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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23497804">not a lullaby</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavende/pseuds/Lavende'>Lavende</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A brown practice room, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe Band, Andreil, Angst, Assistant Coach Neil, Consent, Explicit Consent, Exy (All For The Game), Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I couldn't help but put canon stuff in it anyway, I needed Andrew as a singer, I'll add tags with the other chapters, M/M, Nicky talks a lot, Pining, Renee is a sweetheart, Romance, Sex, Singer Andrew, Slow Burn, Some comedy, They still help each others, Too many Unlike Pluto songs, Trust, i love writing Nicky tbh, i think, mention of past suicide, no its not with the mains</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:14:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,887</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23497804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavende/pseuds/Lavende</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil can't get the singer’s voice and the way he looked out of his head. Usually, Exy takes over everything, but it’s like he can’t shake away the feeling. He looked like one of his Foxes. Broken inside to bits, but no one had been there to save him in time. </p><p>(Basically, Andrew is the singer of a band and Neil, the assistant coach for the Foxes. Lots of songs, cigarettes, ice cream and secrets.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>328</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! This is my first All for the game fic, but not my first posted one. I just use different account for my different fandoms. not a lullaby is already finished, so no worries it will be fully posted in no time! I plan on posting two chapters a week since I need to give time for my beta to work on it a bit. </p><p>This fic has song lyrics in it, so I made a playlist for the songs used in it: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0746XfV2QfWdnk2UBYT85Z?si=u0VTjzZlQ_2HCzk3YybOTQ">not a lullaby playlist</a><br/>you can also search it by name: Nie - not a lullaby</p><p>Hope you'll like it!</p><p>Ps. I won't tag all the triggers, just assume they are the same as All for the game.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The buzzing sound that welcomes him inside is dizzying. A quick glance around tells him this isn’t a very popular bar, but still it feels like there are too many people anyway. </p><p>Neil scans the room as soon as he is far enough from the door. The actual counter is long with several occupied stools; numerous tables on the main floor are half empty but there are still enough people dancing around them to provide a good hiding place since the dance floor is too small. Everything looks quite new and shining, tables black and the lights blue and red. There is even a dark stage against the far wall, instruments resting peacefully on it.</p><p>The dress code seems to favor black, which Neil is grateful for at the moment. His ripped black jeans and silky buttoned-down are not too out of place. </p><p>In a matter of seconds, he has a map of the place; the two only escape routes available and a clear path to the bathroom. He relaxes his shoulders, trying to look interested in everything around and even nodding at the barman. </p><p>However, as soon as the bathroom door closes behind him, Neil almost runs into one of the stalls, kneeling down against the sticky floor. He finally lets the nausea overwhelm him; it’s gross and he should probably be concerned at the blood mixed with it, but instead, once he is done, he grabs at the left side of his shirt. It’s damp and warm, and the pain is still throbbing from the stab wound at his side. Fuck. </p><p>After flushing the toilet, Neil gets out of the stall to wash his hands and mouth. He carefully avoids to look directly at his face, not needing any reminder of his father now. </p><p>A quick calculation is enough to recognize his car is too far for him to attempt to get there right away just after being attacked. </p><p>His fingers grip the sink hard, his heart still pounding in his ears. To calm his nerves, he tries to make a mental list:</p><p>1. He got attacked by a gang that seemed to know him.<br/>
2. The stab wound doesn’t seem to be deep, but it’s bleeding enough that he will need stitches.<br/>
3. His car is in the neighbouring city. (He should start running toward it next time he gets attacked, not the opposite side.)<br/>
4. A brief look says the black fabric of his shirt is currently hiding the blood well enough in the dim light.<br/>
5 .He will have to wait a bit before finding his car back, at least until he feels a bit steadier. </p><p>Alright. He’s fine. It could have been worse. </p><p>
  <i>You’re fine. Your heart is beating. No one is currently watching you. Nobody seems to have followed you. You were wearing gloves when they attacked you, so if one of them dies, they don’t have your fingerprints. You’re fine…</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They might have recognized you. This is why they attacked you.</i>
</p><p>Neil lets out a frustrated groan and moves away from the bathroom counter. There is hesitation when he reaches the door to get out, but he does anyway. His attention is focused on the table against a wall, near the entrance but far enough to not be seen right away. The light just beside it is broken, which will help to hide the pooling blood at his side. </p><p>Sitting is a pain in the ass, and breathing comes through gritted teeth. </p><p>It’s only when he’s settled that Neil realises how different the music sounds now. He raises his eyes to find a band playing on the previously empty stage. He glances around again, feeling himself tense slightly more; that would explain why there are more people suddenly.</p><p>“It’s fine.” He mumbles to himself, he needs to stop looking so out of place. More people only means a better place to hide, it’s fine. It also means no one will pay attention if he doesn’t drink, because he will look like someone who came to see the band.</p><p>Neil forces his shoulders to untense and leans back in the chair, before finally moving so he isn’t putting his back toward the main door, and so  he can still easily glance at the stage. </p><p>After a bit, the band leaves the stage without much more than polite applause, and Neil has to admit that it didn’t catch his attention at all. Which might have also been because the fabric of his shirt finally started to dry and is clinging to his wound painfully. But his suspicions toward the previous band’s talent seems justified when the next musicians who take place 10 minutes later receive a much warmer welcome. If it’s familiarity or talent, Neil isn’t sure, but he hears some of the girls calling some names, drowned by the general noise.</p><p>He has been there for long enough, though, so he prepares himself to get up and find a taxi when the first chords sound loudly in the club, which is soon filled with a rough voice Neil didn’t imagine belonging to any of the men who entered the stage. </p><p>Then, it’s the lyrics that strike him and make him stay in place, his eyes set on the singer.</p><p>
  <i>When you're fucked up from a little bad luck and<br/>
Somehow your mind will start to go away<br/>
Fucked up from life's dark touch and<br/>
You curl up and hope that it'll go away</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I fall, you fall<br/>
Let's have a ball<br/>
Drag you below 'cause we're all goners anyway<br/>
Just take my hand, no time to waste<br/>
I'm off the case, my mind is on a holiday<br/>
Check back in another day<br/>
Hey</i>
</p><p>
  <i>'Cause I'm losing my, losing my, losing my soul<br/>
Losing my, losing my, mind is first to go<br/>
Losing my, losing my, losing my soul<br/>
Losing my, losing my, sanity is gone</i>
</p><p>To be quite honest, Neil isn’t sure what hits him the most; the lyrics reaching him, the voice that seems to tell you “I know it all, this is my pain”, or the way this singer doesn’t show much emotions. He mostly looks bored, yet still all the attention is on him. </p><p>It might also be the stupefaction at the realisation that the girl beside him is his friend Renee. She had been facing away from him until now.</p><p>
  <i>I'm losing my, losing my soul<br/>
My sanity is gone</i>
</p><p>
  <i>'Cause when I fly<br/>
Houston, we got a problem<br/>
And I try, but I don't know why I'm even here<br/>
It's fucked up 'cause sometimes it's fun, yeah<br/>
And I think that you need to lighten up a bit</i>
</p><p>
  <i>On my call, we jump<br/>
Then we'll collide<br/>
Drag you below 'cause we're all goners anyway<br/>
Just take my hand, no time to waste<br/>
I'm off the case, my mind is on a holiday<br/>
Check back in another day<br/>
Hey</i>
</p><p>There are a few songs that go by before Neil finally forces himself to stand up and head toward the exit, the nausea starting again. It’s really time for him to take care of his injury. Still, he takes a minute to look at the bulletin board at the entrance and notices two names on the shows list for tonight’s date. He notes them away in his mind and finally leaves for the night.</p><p>***</p><p>It takes a few weeks for Neil to meet Renee again. It isn’t like him to ask for his friends to meet, so he waited for the opportunity to come by. They don’t live that close to each other anymore, which makes it harder for them to do more than Skype and send text messages.</p><p>Dan and Matt are both at the window facing the street when Renee opens the door for him. Matt’s voice is thick and victorious when he screams. “Still has the car falling into pieces! I win!” He turns around to give Neil a thumbs up while Dan and Allison grumble about, Neil supposes, losing the bet.</p><p>Neil nods at Renee for opening the door and gets in, leaving his shoes by the door. “It still works, it’s not like I need something else.” He doesn’t resist when Dan comes to hug him, giving him a sympathetic look. </p><p>“How many times did you have to get it repaired just this month?” Allison asks from her spot on the arm of the couch, and why she is painting her toenails at a friend meeting, it’s a mystery to the young man. </p><p>Nevertheless, the question makes him frown as he takes a place at the opposite side of the couch. “I don’t know, three times?” It’s not like it matters that much. He can get a lift from Wymack to reach the court when needed since they live on the same street. Plus, he still has difficulty doing big purchases; sure, the cost of the multiple repairs adds up, but at least it feels necessary when he does it. </p><p>Renee hides a smile behind her hand when Allison almost screams in outrage. It’s pretty exaggerated, so Neil rolls his eyes and settles down. “Can’t we talk about something else than my car?”</p><p>“Right,” Says Renee, all smiles, as she takes a spot on the ground. “How is the season going?” </p><p>She doesn’t need more to fire Neil and Dan up, both assistant coaches for different teams, Neil for the Foxes and Dan for the Jackals. They said that if a girl could deal with how violent the Jackals were, it was Dan. Neil thought it was pretty insulting to women in general, but his friend always took it head on and hated when people fought her fights, so he let it go. </p><p>Later, when Dan, Matt and Allison are busy making food, Renee comes to sit beside Neil. They do not have to participate since they were the ones responsible for preparing it last time. Well, mostly Renee he isn’t really good and she was mostly guiding him.</p><p>She rarely pushes him to talk, often waiting for him to take the first step if he feels like it. It gives him a moment to observe her. There is a new bruise blossoming where her collar ends. “You still spar with that guy?” There isn’t any reproach in his tone. Renee knows what she is doing and she already got Dan to fuss about it.</p><p>Renee doesn’t look surprised; he notices and nods. “We have been friends for a while now, I trust that we will stop when he is ready.” </p><p>Neil nods, almost surprised at this last bit. It’s more than she ever tells Dan when she notices. At least from what he knows and from the multiple rants she goes on about to him. “I trust that you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t want to.” </p><p>She smiles. “That’s because you know me well, Neil.” She leans her head on the side and turns around so her back is against the armrest. “Anything on your mind? You’ve been watching me more than usual.” It doesn’t sound like a critic, so Neil tries not to tense too much at being caught.</p><p>He still feels himself blush slightly and he looks away for a second. “You’re playing with a band?” To be frank, he doesn’t know why it ended up staying with him. He can't get the singer’s voice and the way he looked out of his head. Usually, Exy takes over everything, but it’s like he can’t shake away the feeling. He looked like one of his Foxes. Broken inside to bits, but no one had been there to save him in time. </p><p>His friend seems taken aback only for a second before answering. “Yes, I do.” Her eyes are full of questions, which Neil understands.</p><p>“I saw you. I was at that bar and just ended up seeing a part of your performance.” Neil almost feels like apologizing. It was a coincidence, however, he still saw a part of Renee’s life she didn’t share with him. </p><p>“Oh!” She doesn’t raise her voice, seemingly trying to keep this conversation for themselves. Neil takes note of it. “Why didn’t you come say hi after?” Her smile returns easily after. </p><p>His stomach twists uncomfortably when he thinks of the reason why he had to leave. The wound has healed well, but it still feels uncomfortable. “I didn’t stay until the end.” He shrugs. “You were good though, really.” Saying it aloud makes him feel like he said a secret and he doesn’t know how to cope with it. </p><p>“Thank you, Neil.” She nods and plays with the aim of her shirt. “My sparring partner is Andrew.” At Neil’s puzzled face, she adds helpfully, “The main singer, he also plays guitar. He writes most of our songs.” A sad expression crosses her eyes for a minute, but it’s soon gone. “His twin, Aaron, plays the drum and Nicky, their cousin, plays the keyboard.” </p><p>Neil nods. It’s more information than he thought he would get. “And you play the bass?” When she nods, he adds, “Is there anything you don’t know how to do?” It’s aggravating.</p><p>She laughs and shakes her head. “Many things.”</p><p>***</p><p>Three days later, Neil receives a message from Renee that he isn’t sure how to interpret. He sits on it for more than a day before he finally answers her.</p><p>
  <i>Renee Walker </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Renee: We practice together every week, we actually meet near Palmetto University. Want to come?<br/>
10:57 A.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: You want me to come?<br/>
3:44 A.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Renee: It’ll be fun, Nicky wants to meet one of my friends. Thursday at 6?<br/>
7:03 A.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: Ok.<br/>
4:23 P.M.</i>
</p><p>***</p><p>Until now, Neil has managed to forget about his outing. He focuses on his classes and training the Foxes. Two days go by quickly without him truly doubting his decision to go meet Renee, but now that he is waiting at their meeting spot he wonders what he is doing. </p><p>His fingers are playing with the pack of cigarettes hidden in his pocket. It’s cold enough for his face to feel numb, which makes him even more impatient. Maybe he could run back to his place and tell Renee he couldn’t manage?</p><p>“Neil, you came.” Renee gentle’s voice startles him enough that if he didn’t have years of practice he would have jumped out of his shoes. When he turns his head to look at her, she looks comfy in a big blue sweater and black leggings. </p><p>“I did say yes, it would have been rude otherwise.” If he wasn’t so used to lying, the fact that he actually thought of ditching her a second ago would have felt bad on his conscience. Instead, Neil shrugs and gets closer to her so she can lead the way. If she can see through his hesitation, she doesn’t mention it. </p><p>The walk there isn’t really far; it takes them 15 minutes before Renee turns into a small alley. All of his muscles tense at being in such a place, it’s stronger than his own will. Reflexes die hard. Neil glances around while she turns a key in the lock of the metallic door they are waiting in front of, and it opens to a set of stairs. It’s pretty dark, but Neil can see the light at the bottom of it. </p><p>“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Renee says with a small, knowing smile. She doesn’t ask him to go first, probably knowing he wouldn’t accept, and gets downstairs. </p><p>Neil frowns a bit, reminding himself that he trusts Renee as much as he can trust anyone, and follows her before she disappears. Closing the door behind him makes him break into a sweat, but he tries to ignore it anyway.</p><p>Once he reaches the last step, it’s stronger than him, he analyses everything around as fast as possible. There are three other guys besides Renee. The keyboardist is sitting on a brown, worn-down couch against the far left wall and is busy on his phone; one of the twins is already behind his drum while the singer, the one who got Neil’s attention, is sitting on top of a bookshelf that leads to a small window cracked open against the ceiling. The smell of smoke obviously comes from him.</p><p>A second later, Neil is already looking around for another exit, and comes back with nothing. Then he tries to calm his breathing and sticks close to the stairs. </p><p>“It’s not the best, but at least it doesn’t cost much to rent.” Renee helpfully tells him, visibly aware of Neil’s inside turmoil. It’s annoying. He hates the way she knows it. It always screams danger.</p><p>Another quick glance around shows how the walls are covered with acoustic panels. Even so, the sound must not be great as there seems to be cement blocks under them, a bit like most high school walls. It gives a weird brownish vibe to the place. “Seems fine to me.” Neil answers. It doesn't look great, but he is far from difficult in general, and he has slept in far worse places. </p><p>“Renee!” The guy from the couch exclaims himself with such enthusiasm, Neil can’t help but stare at him as he takes a step back. “You really brought in one of your friends!” He quickly reaches Neil, clearly unaware of how uncomfortable he already makes him feel. “Hi, I’m Nicky.” His smile could probably power a light bulb; it’s too genuine for Neil.</p><p>He only nods to acknowledge him, which seems enough to encourage the guy. “This is Aaron.” Nicky points toward the guy sitting at the drum, who is completely ignoring him. “And this is Andrew. They are my cousins!” </p><p>Neil raises his eyes again to the blond guy sitting higher up, and isn’t that surprised to see the same inexpressive eyes he saw at their performance the other night. They stare him down as if they can see through him, and it reminds him of the way Renee does this sometimes. </p><p>Andrew sighs and throws the butt outside before sliding down to the ground. He doesn’t spare him another glance before heading to a dark blue guitar and music score. “You have a thing for strays, it’s not cute.” The way he says it is bored, but there is something underneath. Not that Neil would know what it is. </p><p>“Strays especially need someone to believe in them,” Renee answers lightly, before turning toward him. Is he the stray? It makes him frown. “You can take the couch, if you want.” She gives him one last smile before heading to her instrument. </p><p>Neil does just that without making himself too comfortable. He sits directly at the edge of it and keeps himself busy by observing. The band takes some time to make sure their instruments are in tune and doesn’t wait long to start exchanging some ideas on what they should practice first. Andrew seems to decide for everyone and they follow promptly without argument.</p><p>
  <i>All I want is to feel a bit<br/>
We could fall in love, you could slit my wrist<br/>
I could tell you now that they both 'gonn feel the same<br/>
I've been wide awake, I've been blacking out<br/>
I've been locked away, could you let me out?<br/>
'Cause I've grown so tired of existing in this cage</i>
</p><p>The dark lyrics don’t surprise Neil, but it does pick his interest once more. When his mother didn’t let him go near Exy at all, he used to turn toward music. It felt like he could have a glance into someone else's life for a moment or find something to relate to. It’s not like he knows a lot of people like him. </p><p>
  <i>I remember when I used to feel (it was beautiful)<br/>
But I guess that's something you can steal (and I lost it all)<br/>
Now nothing seems to feel too real (unbelievable)<br/>
What have I been running from?<br/>
How did I become so numb?</i>
</p><p>What comes as a surprise is the way Andrew rolls his eyes at this part, as if he can’t believe it himself. Or maybe Neil is just trying to see something there. He doesn’t know.</p><p>
  <i>I'm so numb<br/>
I give up</i>
</p><p>
  <i>What have I been running from?<br/>
How did I become so numb?<br/>
All I want is a night of sleep<br/>
You could knock me out, I could rest in peace<br/>
I don't mind if I get to close my eyes<br/>
I've been day to day, I've been dying slow<br/>
If you find a way, could you let me know?<br/>
My confusion no longer comes as a surprise</i>
</p><p>***</p><p>An hour passes by without Neil saying anything. He does get a bit restless at some point and walks around silently, but no one comments on it. Andrew’s eyes do follow him when he gets a bit far from his regular field of view, yet he doesn’t stop or hesitate in his singing. </p><p>It’s impressive to him that he doesn’t get bored being there, it’s not like many things catch his attention in general. He wonders how it must feel to just be able to write something like that, put such deep feelings into words and then sing it to the world.</p><p>Feels too open and bare for him.</p><p>He’s lost in his thoughts, his back against the staircase when Andrew stops in the middle of a song only to sit on the ground and pick up a pen and the messy stack of papers. It leaves Neil completely confused, but none of the others seems to be. Aaron basically leans back to pick up his phone and shoves it into his bag. He doesn’t even tell anyone goodbye before walking in front of Neil and leaving by the stairs.</p><p>Nicky rolls his eyes, but does turn off his keyboard.</p><p>Neil can’t help himself and gives Renee an interrogative look, and she isn’t too shy to explain when she catches him staring. “He gets bored, it's really hard to make him do anything he doesn’t feel like doing.” She shrugs like it isn’t a big matter and puts her bass down on its stand.</p><p>Since they stopped, Nicky’s attention seems to need a new victim and soon enough, he comes close to Neil. Faster than what the latter would have liked, but he stands his ground anyway. </p><p>“Do you play anything?” The guy seems content to assume Neil doesn’t and doesn’t wait for a reply. “I could show you how to play the keyboard!” Nicky places a hand beside Neil’s head. It causes the hairs from his arms to rise and his heart skips a beat as he holds himself from pushing the other away. “Plus, you’re quite cute, I would love to teach you.” </p><p>The wink is enough to piss off Neil and he opens his mouth to protest when Andrew’s voice raises from the middle of the room. “Enough, get away from him. You touch him and I kill you.” It’s German, but Neil doesn’t dwell on it and moves from his spot at the same time Nicky does. The fear on his features is quite satisfying. Neil hates being hit on that way, but he is far more curious as to why it’s there in the first place.</p><p>It isn’t long for him to find it; a blade shines lazily in Andrew’s hand. He probably should be more weirded out by it, but he is too used to such shows of power. It still makes him feel a tiny bit bad for Nicky. </p><p>“So, do you play anything?” Renee steps in the room toward him and guides him forward toward their setting, hands floating above his back, not touching. There is no way she didn’t notice the shift in mood in the room, but he feels like staying shut is better. He isn’t supposed to have understood what happened anyway, because, to Renee, he only speaks English and French. </p><p>It’s against all of Neil’s instincts to turn his back on an armed opponent, but the way his friend places them forces him to face away from the twin. She might have done it on purpose, which annoys Neil. Avoiding something dangerous doesn’t make it disappear. Still, he focuses on her as he responds. “Drums, when I was in high school.” Neil doesn’t add that it was mostly because his mother refused that he take sports as a concentration. She also didn’t know he enjoyed his music courses… or that he played Exy with classmates at lunch break. “Still played a bit more when I was an assistant in Millport to help practice for one of the kids’ concerts.” </p><p>Renee exchanges a look with Andrew above his shoulder and nods. “Let’s see you play, you were in Millport three years ago so you might still have some of it.” Her enthusiasm is calm, which doesn’t make Neil feel pressured to do it if he doesn't feel like it. However, he does feel curious to see how much he still got of it. </p><p>It feels natural to place himself behind the drum set, though there is still a lingering feeling of invading a place he isn’t supposed to. His first attempts are weak and unsettled, yet they still bring back Nicky’s tempered attention to him. But Andrew keeps himself hunched over his papers. </p><p>After a couple of minutes and Renee’s encouragement, Neil gets more confident, trying to channel the way he feels on an Exy court. The beat he creates is a bit more intricate and comes from years of holding the drumsticks. </p><p>A sound from the ground gets his attention, making him miss a beat. Neil gets a glare from Andrew who grabbed his electric guitar from beside him. He tries his best to stay on beat and follow the new rhythm Andrew establishes. When he seems to feel confident in the tempo, the blond starts to sing again.</p><p>
  <i>Shock shock, horror horror<br/>
If you really thought that<br/>
Growin' up would be easy<br/>
All that drama, drama<br/>
Can make you wanna, wanna<br/>
Lock your door and throw the key and</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Hide away where you're safe<br/>
Where your heart doesn't break<br/>
You're afraid, it's okay, it's okay</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Everybody's scared so dance in the dark<br/>
Da-dance in the dark, da-dance in the dark<br/>
Party with your fears, da-dance in the dark<br/>
Da-dance with the dark, da-dance in the dark<br/>
Everybody's scared so dance in the dark<br/>
Make, make it an art, da-dance in the dark (dance in the dark)<br/>
Party with your fears, da-dance in the dark<br/>
Da-dance with the dark, da-dance in the dark (dance in the dark)</i>
</p><p>It’s less polished than the other lyrics he heard from Andrew, probably because their beat is less stable, but it still makes something inside his chest squeeze. </p><p>They stop when Neil starts to lose his beat, his lack of practice getting back at him. He holds Andrew’s questioning stare, and holds himself from reacting when the twin moves and walks away toward the door without placing back his guitar, but holding all the messy sheets in his hands. He gives one last glance at Renee and a “I guess I don’t care if he comes back” before disappearing at the top of the stairs.</p><p>Neil guesses he doesn’t mind coming back.</p><p>***</p><p>And Neil does come back. Enough so that he gets used to Nicky’s too forward ways, how boundaries don't mean the same to him. He learns about Erik, sees the way a single mention of the man can brighten the light in Nicky's eyes. He also gets to know why the cousins speak German and how Aaron likes to use it to talk behind Neil's back.</p><p>It's fine.</p><p>He doesn't like him anyway. Aaron stays silent most times, except to complain, always displeased to be there. It isn't something Neil is fond of, but he is used to tune out people who get on his nerves. Hopefully he won't snap too fast, because he still plans on keeping the fact that he knows German to himself. That would bring questions about his past he doesn't feel like answering. </p><p>On the opposite of Nicky, everything he gets to learn about Andrew are little bits here and there, most of the time not even mentioned by him. Like the fact that he never removes his black armbands no matter what he is wearing; that he's never the one who adds the brightest or too romantic parts in a song (Nicky or Renee often helps with these parts); that he seems to be holding the band together even if he isn't talking much; or that he loves sweets and always seems to be finishing a bowl of pasta when Neil gets there.</p><p>Neil also knows that Andrew places himself so that he never has to look at his brother and keeps on ignoring him except for the occasional cold glances. This often seems to be the reason why Aaron leaves before everyone else, which gives some time for Neil to get back into practicing drums.</p><p>"For the fourth time, Nicky, I can't read that." Neil squints at the score sheet in his hands as if a new meaning will appear from it, but quickly puts it back.</p><p>"How did you manage in high school without reading music?" Andrew raises his head from the lyrics he has been working on from his spot on the ground, giving him his best judgemental look. Oh. Here’s something else he has learned, the way Andrew's expressions are hidden in micro reactions. Neil still can't get them all, but he's working on it.</p><p>"I don't know? I joined in the middle of high school and my teachers always had an audio I could listen to. Never had to learn more than the basics." He huffs and gets up from his spot to reach for his bag near the stairs. They have a game tonight and he has to be back in time, or else Wymack will kill him. </p><p>Nicky perks up from beside the drums, finding back the sheet he gave Neil. "There are apps you could use!" </p><p>Renee's amused laugh sells it before Neil does, and pulls out an old flip phone out of his bag. It's enough for Nicky's face to fall and look offended. "Not you too," he says with great pain.</p><p>Very little concerned about it, Neil only gives him a puzzled stare. "Me too?"</p><p>It's Andrew who moves in answer and gets his own phone out of his pocket without looking up.</p><p>It's exactly the same model. </p><p>"Come on, go on, junkie. We wouldn't want you to miss your game." Andrew waves at him dismissively, like a king to his subject, and puts his phone away without another word.</p><p>***</p><p>The next time Neil shows up someone has left a drums music method book on the couch for him.</p><p>The smell of cigarettes that lingers on the pages sells the previous owner away.</p><p>Neil doesn't say thanks, but he reaches for it when he's in bed and starts studying instead of sleeping in early for the Foxes’ morning practice the next day.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Welcome to the second chapter! </p><p>Again,this fic has song lyrics in it, so I made a playlist for the songs used (and some others): <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0746XfV2QfWdnk2UBYT85Z?si=u0VTjzZlQ_2HCzk3YybOTQ">not a lullaby playlist</a><br/>you can also search it by name: Nie - not a lullaby</p><p>Ps. I won't tag all the triggers, just assume they are the same as All for the game.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s Thursday and Neil knows the band is meeting tonight, but he also knows Renee won’t be there. Something about her mother’s birthday. It probably shouldn’t bother him not to go, even if he has been going for the past months, except once or twice when he couldn’t make it. </p><p>After all, he doesn’t belong there except as Renee’s friend, right? </p><p>And yet, he can’t shake the disappointment it brings him. It’s the closest to meeting with friends he got to since the initial Foxes left for other cities, and he never really managed to get close to other people, not that he tried. He had his family, it was fine. And it’s also not that he is close to the band, but he likes it there.  </p><p>The man tries to busy himself in his books, but his head isn’t really into it. These classes are interesting, all part of the Sport Science major Wymack decided he should take part-time, but honestly he already knows a lot on the subject from necessity of a life on the run and his past as an Exy player. </p><p>He sighs deeply, putting his head down against the desk covered in new players files. Taking care of this could also be an option, especially since he has to give back his choices to Wymack soon, but it’s hard for him to focus on it at the moment. </p><p>The short vibration of his phone against his thigh makes him jump, his eyes staring hole in the fabric of his pants. Neil frowns, wondering who could be texting him now. Dan and Matt were on a date, Allison stopped texting him when she realised she couldn’t send him videos, and Renee was with her mother. Nicky was also probably at their practice, and Andrew would have his head if he started texting in the middle of it.</p><p>That was also something new, Nicky spamming his phone to no end about anything and nothing.</p><p>Maybe Wymack, then, asking for something tomorrow.</p><p>His fingers close on the device and he opens it, resigned himself at the idea of having more chores for the next day, but, unlike his prediction, it is in fact Nicky. </p><p>Nicky </p><p>
  <i>Nicky: where r u?<br/>
7:05 P.M.</i>
</p><p>Neils stares at the screen for a full minute, confusion spreading in his mind before he answers hesitantly.</p><p>
  <i>Neil: Home?<br/>
7:07 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Nicky: why??????? what about us??<br/>
7:08 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: Renee isn’t there?<br/>
7:09 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Nicky: that’s all???? bring your cute ass here.<br/>
7:09 P.M.</i>
</p><p>Does this mean they still want him to come, even if he has no reason to be there? Neil ignores the warm feeling creeping in his chest and tells himself Nicky probably just wants someone to stand between him and the twins. </p><p>Still, it takes him only 5 minutes to dress properly and get his “cute” ass in his old car—walking would take too long, he decides—and then he leaves.</p><p>***</p><p>Once Neil reaches the door, he realises he doesn’t have a key. The door is also so damn thick he isn’t sure the guys will hear him, especially if they have started playing already. He picks up his phone and sees one last message from Nicky he missed while driving.</p><p>
  <i>Nicky: it’s open btw!<br/>
7:15 P.M.</i>
</p><p>That’s… rare. Neil doesn’t even remember one time they actually didn’t lock the door. Andrew also has a thing for eliminating any possibility of a bad surprise; it’s so unlike him that Neil isn’t sure it’s true when he tries the handle, and he can’t help but stare with his eyes wide when it does open. </p><p>The first thing he does when he’s inside is locking the door behind him before going down slowly. There is still a weird feeling lingering in his guts. Renee was always there before. </p><p>When he reaches the brown room, they still aren’t playing. Nicky is on the couch, staring intently at his phone again; Aaron is leaning back against the wall behind him, annoyance oozing off him; and Andrew is on the ground where he usually sings, eating from a big ice cream tub. </p><p>Neil stops in his tracks. “Are you really eating directly from an ice cream tub?” His horror doubles when he notices it’s a brownie-flavoured one. This thing is so sugary, he never is able to eat much before he needs three glasses of water. </p><p>Nicky raises his head sharply at that and decides to look offended in Andrew’s stead. “What? You never do that? That’s like the basic item for when you have a shitty day.” He swiftly gets up from the couch and points at Neil in accusation. “First you ditch us, and then you insult our ways! I demand compensation.” </p><p>Neil wants to roll his eyes, but part of him is taken aback. “I won’t compensate you.” He still mentions carefully, “I just didn’t think I could come here if Renee wasn’t here.”</p><p>The way Nicky looks at him, he seems hurt for a moment, before it quickly changes into something softer. “We are friends, you know?”</p><p>He opens his mouth and quickly closes it again. “We… are?” Neil wanted to make it sound like an affirmation but he can’t when he isn’t sure Nicky isn’t playing with him.</p><p>That makes the other groan. “You’re all shortening my life and I need it to spend the rest of eternity with Erik,” Nicky complains quickly. “Of course we are.” He is about to add something when Andrew finally looks up from his snack, which has more calories than a whole meal, and shoves his cellphone just in front of Neil’s stomach. </p><p>The latter looks at it dumbly until Andrew clicks his tongue in annoyance and Aaron adds in German,“He’s stupid, we don’t need him here.” His brother doesn’t acknowledge him or even his cousin, eyes solely focused on Neil.</p><p>“Put your number in it.” </p><p>The silence that falls on them is telling enough that even Neil understands this isn’t a regular occurence. That fact makes him want to ask Andrew why, but he doesn’t, because he knows better than to pass it. Carefully, he picks up the phone and realises they have the same exact model. It makes it easy to add his contact. He leaves it at Neil—his last name doesn’t hold any meaning in their relationship. </p><p>When Neil gives it back, Andrew abandons his spoon in the tub and presses the keys rapidly until Neil’s own phone vibrates again in his pocket. </p><p>Nicky complains loudly while Neil retrieves it to look at the new message. “I had to fight him just to know he got a phone, and you get to give him your number like it’s nothing? I protest! I’m his cousin.” The last part is more of a whine, but Neil doesn’t pay him attention, focused on his phone screen. </p><p>“Why 96%?” He asks suddenly, looking down at Andrew.</p><p>He doesn’t look up, cleaning his food before standing up and getting his guitar. “I want to kill you 96% of the time.” The answer is easy, as if he didn’t just threaten Neil’s life, while both know full well he holds a full stack of knives on him.</p><p>But, to be honest, the only thing Neil hears is I don’t want to kill you 4% of the time, and he almost smiles.</p><p>***</p><p>The next time Neil shows up, he ends up sitting beside Andrew on the ground, studying the way the other writes lyrics. It’s not the first time he does it, but each time he gets weird looks from the others. Well, except for Renee, who always looks content with what is happening. Neil tries not to put too much thought in it. He doesn’t think he would come to a conclusion anyway.</p><p>It’s a process he isn’t familiar with, the way Andrew writes a sentence then cuts it in part, slashes one he doesn’t like and picks up his guitar to see if he needs to repeat the words somewhere. Most of the time he seems to remember the whole melody by heart and doesn’t need to do the last part, which means Neil is never sure which song he’s working on. </p><p>There is only Andrew and Renee left with him tonight. Aaron left earlier, like usual, and Nicky needed to pick up Erik from the airport—little practice took place that night because he wouldn’t shut up about it—. But even so, Renee is sitting further on the couch and reading, not paying them attention. </p><p>Neil is so focused on the new words on the sheet that he doesn’t notice that Andrew isn’t writing on it anymore. That is until a golden key gets shoved in his face. He’s so taken aback that he doesn’t take the key at first, shifting his gaze toward the other man. “What?” </p><p>Andrew has the decency to look annoyed. “97%.”</p><p>It’s enough for Neil to reach for it and let it sit in his palm. He can’t remember the last time someone gave him the key to somewhere. “For here?”</p><p>The other rolls his eyes before getting back to work. “Obviously.”</p><p>***</p><p>The continuous vibration of his phone against his nightstand jolts him awake harshly enough that he searches for the gun under his pillow. The press of it against his palm is reassuring as he looks around in the darkness, the buzzing not stopping.</p><p>Neil reaches to turn on the light, his heart settling down when he confirms nothing is in the studio. Then he reaches for his phone, feeling his blood run cold in his veins as he sees who is calling.</p><p>“What do you want? It’s 3 in the morning, Kevin.” The venom in his voice is toned down by how tired and scared this call makes him feel. </p><p><i>“The new assistant coach for the Ravens decided to leave,”</i> is everything Kevin says, sounding completely unconcerned at having woken up his old friend. </p><p>Understanding the insinuation behind Kevin’s words is harsh. He laughs bitterly, a clear image of the other’s annoyed face in his mind. “And this is my concern why?”</p><p>There is a huge sigh on the other side, as if Neil is being unreasonable. <i>“You should come back, you father is dead, Riko…”</i> The words die in his throat and Neil can’t help but call him weak in his mind. They both hated Riko, but Kevin only had a twisted version of it. Riko is dead and so is the Master it's simple and something Neil has been thanking whatever god for. <i>“It’s not the same, we could use you. No one is running after you now, you could come here as a free man.”</i> </p><p>Neil needs to take a deep breath before answering. “You are a fucking imbecile if you think I’m ever going to be helping the Ravens.” It comes out breathless and spiteful, and he needs a moment for his head to stop being dizzy. “The Nest took years out of my life. I spent 6 years there. 6 years of my damn childhood, one part of it only my father’s abuse, and the other  being stuck on an Exy court, getting beaten up by that crazy motherfucker.” He takes a deep breath, knowing full well he shut Kevin up. “Do you know how often he cut me while saying I couldn’t be better than you? And you think I have anything left to give back to the Ravens, to give back to you?” His thoughts go toward Jean, his partner, the 4 in the ideal team. The way he killed himself before he could even get out of there. Neil’s never going back. </p><p><i>“They aren’t there anymore. It’s not the same, and you could just help the best team in Class I, Neil,”</i> Kevin tries anyway, and it makes Neil regret to have ever given Kevin another chance at staying in contact with him. </p><p>“Go fuck yourself, Kevin. You’re a lost cause, and my Foxes will kill you on the court. You ever contact me again for such things and you’ll be nothing to me, not ever again.” With this, he ends the call and throws his phone at the end of his bed. He wanted to throw it against the wall, but he thinks of Andrew and his friends’ numbers in there, and he doesn’t. </p><p>Neil’s whole body is shaking. From fear or anger? He isn’t even sure. </p><p>His gaze goes around the room absent-mindedly until it ends up on one of the notebooks he usually uses to write down each player’s training plan. It’s on the ground and he gets up to get it. He doesn't know what he is doing, but soon enough decaf coffee is brewing and he is writing down on the blank pages, the same way he has seen Andrew doing for months.</p><p>***</p><p>It’s Tuesday and the members of The Edge don’t have a practice tonight, but Neil still goes to their rented room. He isn’t sure if he will find it empty or not, but he goes anyway, still feeling on edge and like he’s about to jump out of his own skin because of the previous night call.</p><p>Kevin even dared to text him afterward, a single message. <i>Think about it.</i></p><p>If he could, Neil would spit in his face.</p><p>Maybe he will do so next time the Foxes meet the Ravens.</p><p>When he enters the place, he locks it back automatically. There is light down there, but he isn’t sure if they just forgot to turn it off last time or if someone is there.</p><p>The answer comes in the form of Andrew, laying on his back in the middle of the room, his gaze sharp for once as he looks at Neil coming down the stairs. “Sorry, didn’t think anybody would be here.” It seems to work out enough, because Andrew seemingly relaxes a bit. </p><p>“And why are you here then?” The twin sits up lazingly. </p><p>Neil presses his notebook against his chest. It’s so personal he doesn’t know if he is allowed to show it to Andrew. Yet, he goes closer and kneels down beside the other. “Can you look at the lyrics I wrote? I know they probably won’t fit the way they are, but… I don’t know, I just wrote them.” He shrugs to put emphasis on it, as if they aren’t all he can think about at the moment. </p><p>Andrew looks at him for a minute before he finally gets up and picks up his jacket—even if it got warmer, it’s still cold at night—before heading out with only a glance back. Neil knows better than not to follow him, and quickly gets on his feet.</p><p>They get out in the alley, and they take one of the rusty ladders against the wall to get up on the roof. It’s almost pretty there, lots of city lights. There is a street lamp above where Andrew settles down, allowing them to see the writing in Neil’s notebook.</p><p>They don’t say anything as Andrew lits up a cigarette, giving Neil one when he stares for too long. He also doesn’t say anything when Neil doesn’t smoke it but lets it burn in his hands. Then he picks up Neil’s notebook and starts reading it.</p><p>When he is done, Neil is certain he can see interest for the first time in Andrew’s stare. </p><p>“Let’s play a game, one truth for another.” The way the blond man says it is so casual, Neil can almost think Andrew didn’t notice how hard it is to get a truthful answer out of him. It almost hides how curious Andrew is to his person.</p><p>The game is appealing yet scary as hell. Neil isn’t sure why he nods, just knowing he will answer the truth Andrew asks for. </p><p>“Surprising.” The twin looks away for a second, then brings it back on Neil, singing softly on a melody Neil never heard. <i>“Oh Raven, won’t you sing me a happy song.”</i> He stops and reaches out for a pen in his pocket, holding back until Neil nods his approval. “I’d say that you could be more subtle, but not everyone knows you’re an Exy junkie.” He scribbles a bit at the lyrics. </p><p>The fact that Andrew can piece it back so easily scares Neil to no end. Yet, he stays there and observes his magic with words. “I…” One truth for one truth. He can do it. “I spent years there. They call it the Nest, and I was there from 9 to 15.” He closes his eyes. “They don’t care what age you are, as long as you can play. I grew up alongside Riko and Kevin, but I left before I could join them officially. I was only the third for the ideal team and I stayed out of the cameras as much as I could, and Jean… I was paired with Jean and I tried my best to protect him.” Neil opens his eyes back and looks up at the starry sky. He doesn’t need to look at Andrew to know he has his attention, his stare is always heavy. “Riko was a mess, but we couldn’t do anything. I quickly became his favorite victim—too good, he said.” Neil shivers. “He liked knives. I hate them. I don't know why I had to have so many people who like them in my life.” </p><p>He brings his eyes back to Andrew, and gives him a sad smile, one he knows the other is going to hate. “Kevin called me last night. He wants me to be an assistant coach for the Ravens, while he’s in his last year there.” His smile dies on his face and Andrew looks back at the sheet of paper. “He was brainwashed, I don’t resent… I don’t know. Maybe I resent him. I know he just wants me to be able to be in the right place, but I don’t think he understands. I wanted to belong, still want to in a way, but I can never go back.”</p><p>Neil stops to breathe. It’s more than he ever said at once and it’s making him feel so dizzy he could be sick. “Everything you write, is it you?” He needs to bring the subject away from him.</p><p>Andrew looks at him intently. “99%, for choosing bad questions.” He brings his eyes down and writes above one of his sentences. “And 100% for being so obvious in your lyrics. Let’s change the <i>A friend called me last night with bad news to bad news from a bad friend, they call you an omen.</i>” He stares at another part. “The place is called Evermore and you want him to shut up, right? Let’s put <i>The song you keep singin’, Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore.</i>”</p><p>Neil blinks multiple times before he nods, startled at how Andrew doesn’t say anything else. It’s… a relief. “You didn’t answer. It’s a truth for a truth.”</p><p>The answer doesn’t come back quickly, but it’s fine. Neil can wait. They work on his lyrics together until Andrew finally says, “Yes, they are me, or at least a part of me before Nicky and Renee try to lighten them. I think you already understood that.” </p><p>Neil hums. “Maybe, but I wanted it confirmed.”</p><p>Andrew stops to look at him, head tilted on the side. The way his body is tense means he is waiting for more from Neil.</p><p>“That’s all. That already gives me enough of your truth.” He shrugs, he heard enough to piece some parts together. That’s okay for now.</p><p>“101%,” Andrew mumbles before piercing a hole in the notebook.</p><p>***</p><p>They do that more than once. Neil discovers that Andrew spends more time there than elsewhere. It's a shitty room to spend your evenings in, doing nothing, but even Neil likes it. It is what feels the closest to home beside the court. It's scary—even his apartment always felt empty compared to it. </p><p>Alone together, they don't always talk. Sometimes Neil will just go further in his drum lessons with the method Andrew gave him, or the latter will silently show him how to play the electric guitar. It's different, and he had never even touched one before. He wishes his fingers didn't keep on messing up. </p><p>Sometimes Andrew is writing lyrics while Neil observes him scribbling. The way his fingers always seem covered in ink becomes familiar, and he also gets pushed away from time to time. He doesn't mind. If Andrew finds it too personal and bare to share for now, Neil won't cross a line on purpose. When it happens, he goes back to his Exy duties, always waiting for the small "junkie" Andrew is sure to mutter at some point. He might willingly ignore the way it makes the corner of his lips tug upward each time.</p><p>They also continue the game Andrew started. Neil learns that the other went to juvie; this is where he picked up music. The room to practice was big and better than his own small one. He learns that he met Renee at a meeting for abuse survivors—he had been forced into one—and that he saw her break a fight in a matter of minutes, thus explaining how he decided they were to be sparring partners. He didn’t choose to talk about that part at first, but Nicky had mentioned Aaron’s trial and it seemed logical to Neil to ask about it later. To see glimpses of Andrew's past explains a lot about him. Some stuff makes his skin crawl in a way he knows too well. If Aaron hadn't killed Drake yet, he might have gone for it—that part of him was still too close to his father for comfort—and wouldn't have been so quick with his death.</p><p>Neil also shares insight on his life he never told anyone before, except out of necessity. The fear he grew accustomed to when his father was home, and the way his flesh ripping and melting off his body still comes back to him in dreams; the years of bad treatment the Nest made him go through, and Nathan exchanging his son to them by loyalty without any remorse; the look his mother gave him when she could come see him every two weeks, and the moment she snapped, tired of piecing her son back together.</p><p>"So that's how you left, then?" Andrew asks him, laying down on the roof, his fingers playing with his pack of cigarettes. "Your mother kidnapped you?" </p><p>"Yeah, she knew one day Riko would break me beyond repair, and that they would kill me for it." Neil sighs, back against the roof ledge. "Else I would still be there, or dead."</p><p>It’s silent for a few seconds before Andrew casually asks, “Do you still want to be there?”</p><p>It brings up a turmoil of unwanted feelings inside Neil’s chest, and he realises he doesn’t have an answer. Would he have traded the 3 years and a half he had been on the run with his mother for the Ravens? A chance to actually still be playing instead of helping to coach? </p><p>“I don’t know.” He brings his eyes to Andrew and isn’t surprised to see the way his mouth presses into a thin line. Displeased. </p><p>“One shitty life for another,” is Andrew's only answer, before he brings a cigarette to his lips. </p><p>***</p><p>Neil barely sets foot on the last step of the stairs before Nicky throws his drum method at him. It almost makes him have a heart attack as he catches it. “Seems like you forgot it last week.” He puts his hands on his hips as if to reprimand him. “You won’t get better like that, boy.” The tease is obvious in his voice, so Neil doesn’t take the bait. </p><p>He actually forgot it the previous night. “Guess I did.” He shrugs before finding Andrew in the room with his eyes, once again sitting at the top of the bookcase. They didn’t mention it to the others that they have ended up meeting way more than this. It’s fine. They don't have to share.</p><p>“Hey, Renee.” Neil waves at her, while she tunes her bass. She smiles calmly at him. </p><p>“Hello, Neil.” The pastel colors in her hair are brighter. She probably went to see Allison to get it done again. “Dan wanted me to tell you she is about to invade your place if you do not answer more quickly in the evening.” It seems to amuse her. In fact, Neil did ignore his phone even more recently, letting it die on him most days. </p><p>Maybe spending time with Andrew has made him feel less lonely, in a very absurd way.</p><p>He rubs awkwardly at the scar of his shoulder hidden under his shirt. “Noted.” A quick look toward the singer says this got his attention. </p><p>This reminds him that he didn’t pick up his phone for the entire afternoon before heading here, so when Neil reaches the couch he starts answering his messages while the band gets ready to practice. </p><p>The first chords are familiar, a song they practiced recently. However, when Andrew takes a deep breath—the way he always does before he starts singing—Neil’s head snaps up.</p><p>
  <i>I feel like a ghost<br/>
I don't know why, I feel like a ghost<br/>
Looking for life (Fuck)<br/>
Floating, never in the daylight<br/>
Haunting everything I lost<br/>
I feel like a ghost<br/>
I don't know why</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And all I want is a little hope<br/>
And all I want is to fill my soul</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Please fill up my soul, my time is running low<br/>
Please fill up my soul, my life is in a hole</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And if I diagnosed the pain in my life<br/>
Trying to find a way to revive (Fuck)<br/>
Searching for the antidote but<br/>
No one's telling me the cure<br/>
I'm just so alone, and I don't know why<br/>
And all I want is a little hope<br/>
And all I want is to fill my soul<br/>
And all I want is a little hope<br/>
And all I want is to fill my soul</i>
</p><p>Neil feels himself smile at the little fuck that comes back in the song. The lyrics don’t ring a bell, which means Andrew wrote it a while ago or it's one of these he didn’t let Neil get a peak at.</p><p>
  <i>Please fill up my soul, my time is running low<br/>
Please fill up my soul, my life is in a hole<br/>
Please fill up my soul, my time is running low<br/>
Please fill up my soul, my life is in a hole</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Save me, you know you can<br/>
Lend me your helping hand<br/>
What you give, I'll take it<br/>
Promise I won't break it<br/>
Promise I will make it<br/>
Ohhhh I</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And all I want is a little hope</i><br/>
And all I want is a little hope<br/>
And all I want is to fill my soul
</p><p>What strikes Neil as odd is the way Andrew doesn’t seem displeased by the more hopeful lyrics. Usually, he’s less invested in the lyrics that are added by Renee or Nicky. He forces himself to look at these two, only to find the keyboardist looking surprised and Renee smiling lightly.</p><p>Are these lyrics only from Andrew?</p><p>Why does he suddenly feel out of breath? Neil can only believe the lyrics aren’t all based on Andrew. He confirmed most were, but who would Andrew be talking about?</p><p>He closes his eyes, probably reading too far into it. </p><p>Neil tries his best to bring back his attention to his phone and empty his mind when the song is done and the band exchanges comments on it. Then, he notices the 13 messages from Nicky saying Neil, dating from today, and frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“Why the fuck did you text me my own name so many times, Nicky?” It’s out of his mouth before he can hold back.</p><p>The older guy seems confused for a moment before he claps his hands together. “Ah yes! I had a very important question for you.” Nicky looks way too enthusiastic, and it’s not always a good sign. “I noticed you never talk about girls or boys, like ever. Like, even Aaron talks about Katelyn.” </p><p>“I don’t—”</p><p>Neil cuts him off, not really caring about Aaron’s answer. “That’s not a question.” He frowns, playing with the crack at the back of his phone. </p><p>“Are you straight or gay?” Nicky takes two steps in his direction and Neil looks at him as if he has grown a second head. “Oh, bisexual is totally fine, too!” He clearly mistook Neil’s reaction for something it is not, which gets a sigh out of him as he waves his hands in denial.</p><p>“No, I’m nothing, I don’t swing.” It’s annoying, having to explain that again and again. Not having friends had its perks.</p><p>Nicky seems taken aback for a moment before adding. “Like at all?” Then he whines. “But you’re so handsome.” This earns him a glare from Andrew that could probably kill someone on the spot, if that certain someone wasn’t already used to it on a daily basis. </p><p>Then, surprisingly, it’s Aaron who talks first in German. “Can you stop this?” He is glaring at Andrew and directly talking to him, which is pretty rare. “You already killed my mother, no need to kill everyone in the family, especially not for a dumb stranger.” Nicky turns around to probably silence Aaron, but Neil finally gets fed up.</p><p>It's his turn to snap in German. “I’m pretty sure I spent more time with Andrew in the past weeks than you did in the past year, so maybe you could stop insulting me all the time.” He doesn’t care for the stupefaction on both Aaron and Nicky’s faces, and gets up from his seat. “You’re the dumb one if you think you’re the only one who can speak another language than English.” </p><p>Renee sighs, looking resigned; she doesn't need to understand. Andrew's reaction isn’t so silent. He puts his guitar down and grabs his bag, heading straight outside. </p><p>“What the fuck,” is Aaron’s delayed reaction. “Why didn’t you—”</p><p>“I think that’s quite enough, Aaron.” Nicky has his face in his hands, visibly pained by the turn of events. </p><p>“Fuck you, Nicky. It’s all because of you.”</p><p>Neil mutes them and picks up his stuff, heading toward the stairs. He does nod at Renee, who waves him goodbye. It takes a moment for him to catch up with his thoughts. </p><p>So, Andrew killed their mother? </p><p>Once again, he probably should be more surprised or disturbed by it. Instead, he wonders if the other left. A quick glance toward the street shows his car. Neil stays in place for a minute, fishes the key from the practice room to press it against his palm, and decides on what is important to him at this moment.</p><p>It only takes him a minute to reach the roof and spot Andrew sitting at their usual spot. He has a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand, generously drinking directly from it. Neil grimaces at the sight of it. Alcohol isn’t much his thing. </p><p>He doesn’t go straight for the other, taking his time to get there, that way if there are any signs Andrew doesn’t want him there, he will leave. When he is certain he won’t get stabbed, he sits beside him. “I don’t care.” He believes Andrew did it for a reason.</p><p>“I’ll push you off the roof.”</p><p>“I’ll bring you with me.”</p><p>They repeated this so much, it brings a sense of familiarity Neil can bask in as he observes Andrew. Minutes go by without them talking, the calm only broken by the sound of whiskey being drunk. </p><p>“Stop looking at me like that.” Andrew’s voice is sharp. Even with all the alcohol he doesn’t look unsteady.</p><p>“Like what?” Neil is genuinely curious.</p><p>“Like I’m your answer.” It’s the closest thing to anger he has heard in his voice since they have met.</p><p>Then Neil thinks about Andrew’s answer and wonders what it might mean to him. It’s blurry when he tries to reach for the feeling it brings him. “Can I take a turn?” Maybe if he goes deeper, it will become clearer.</p><p>Andrew stares at him and after another swing of the brown liquid, he nods. </p><p>“That new song, who is it about?” That’s what he can think about now; it’s the answer he needs. Maybe it will help him understand. </p><p>“104%.” Andrew huffs right after, as if he can’t believe Neil isn’t asking about how he killed his mother. </p><p>Neil frowns, feeling offended. “Last time it was 102.”</p><p>Andrew rolls his eyes. “You busted 2 at once.” He doesn’t say anything else, and for once Neil feels restless because of the answer. </p><p>“Do you like me?” That’s the rational step, right? Andrew didn’t have time to meet someone else between work and spending most evenings with Neil, right?</p><p>“I hate you. Deeply so.” The comeback is automatic and strained. </p><p>“That’s an emotion, I can take it.” Neil moves closer to Andrew, making sure they aren’t touching, but their faces are closer. Allison would scold him again for acting on his emotions without sorting them out  first. <i>“One day you’ll hurt someone without wanting to and the only dumb ass you’ll have to blame will be you.”</i> But it doesn’t feel like a mistake.</p><p>“105%.” Yet, Andrew’s eyes do trail the edges of Neil’s lips. It’s an electric feeling to have Andrew so obviously thinking about kissing him. Neil reaches for the bottle, slowly, to put it down, making sure not to touch the other in the process.</p><p>“That’s fine too.” He leans forward a bit more, unused to getting so close to someone else. Andrew flinches subtly, but it’s enough for Neil to lean back quickly. He is only stopped from going far by Andrew’s hand finding the back of his neck. His eyes are searching. </p><p>“The intent needs to be clear. Do you want me to kiss you?” </p><p>It might look stupid to someone else that Neil realises just now that yes, yes he does. He wasn’t lying, he doesn’t swing, but his thoughts have been filled with Andrew, not necessarily at the forefront of everything, but always there at the back.</p><p>He feels like home, and maybe this is what Andrew means when he says Neil looks at him as if he is his answer. It’s still too unclear, but for now he wants this. It doesn’t need to be complicated. </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Andrew’s lips find his own. It isn’t gentle, but Neil doesn’t expect him to be. It tastes strong from the liquor, yet he doesn't even consider moving away. He keeps his hands beside him, flexing his fingers enough to catch Andrew’s attention. Carefully, he releases Neil’s neck to catch his wrists, and pushes him down on his back so they can continue kissing.</p><p>Neil isn’t really sure how long they stay there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter should be up this weekend or a bit later if my beta doesn't have time to go over it! Thank you for reading, if you like it, leave a kudos or a comment, maybe?</p><p>I have to say that they weren't supposed to kiss then, but Neil's temper made my plans go to hell haha. </p><p>Tumblr: lav-ende</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello hello welcome to the third chapter!</p><p>Again,this fic has song lyrics in it, so I made a playlist for the songs used (and some others): <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0746XfV2QfWdnk2UBYT85Z?si=u0VTjzZlQ_2HCzk3YybOTQ">not a lullaby playlist</a><br/>you can also search it by name: Nie - not a lullaby</p><p>Ps. I won't tag all the triggers, just assume they are the same as All for the game.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Nicky</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Nicky: we changed practice time, it’ll be friday<br/>
8:13 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: What if i have a game?<br/>
8:20 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Nicky: u dont, renee confirmed, try me :) and we’re going out after<br/>
8:21 P.M.</i>
</p><p>Neil glares at his phone as if it could make the message disappear suddenly. Wymack gives him a weird look before going back to the contracts they are preparing for the new Foxes. It’s easy to picture what type of good evening Nicky would want to attend, and it’s real far from Neil’s ideal outing. </p><p>He’s about to find an excuse to not go when his phone buzzes with another message. He has to switch screens to see the new one.</p><p>
  <i>Andrew</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Andrew: I bought you clothes for friday, you can burn yours.<br/>
8:22 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: for the outing?<br/>
8:23 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Andrew: no for your funerals<br/>
8:25 P.M.</i>
</p><p>Neil snorts loudly enough that Wymack raises his head again. “Don’t let me bother you.” The sarcasm is thick and Neil can’t help but talk back.</p><p>“No worries, you aren’t, Coach.” He even punctuates it with a shitty grin, good mood taking over him.</p><p>Wymack shakes his head and mutters, not for the first time since they met, “I should have let you to rot in your hole in Millport.” </p><p>Neil shrugs. “Probably.” He picks up his phone again to answer Nicky.</p><p>
  <i>Neil: Fine.<br/>
8:28 P.M.</i>
</p><p>***</p><p>Andrew gives him the clothes he bought for him the day before they go out. It might be because he doesn’t want the others to know this, or it might be because he’s aware of all the scars that must be covering Neil’s body after his stories. No need to force him to change in the practice room. </p><p>Not that it really matters, because Neil is happy with both. It’s not like he wants to scream from every roof about the shift that happened between them. He’s still unsure of what it is, but he doesn’t need a word for it.</p><p>The next day, Neil still hasn’t looked at the clothes yet, except to confirm  that they are all black, much like everything Andrew always wears. He realises he has never seen the man wear another color. It fits him, yet Neil is sure it’s more for the practicality that Andrew does it. </p><p>The shirt is thinner and tighter than what he is used to wearing, and the sleeves also stop just under his elbows. The pants aren’t unlike the ones he owns and almost never wears, the black ripped jeans he was wearing the night he got stabbed and saw Andrew for the first time. He would almost laugh at the irony if it didn’t bring a chill to his stomach just to think about it. </p><p>Most of the time, he avoids any mirrors he might own, trusting that his Foxes or Allison will tell him if ever he misses how long his hair is getting from the quick glances he gives himself when going out. But curiosity wins this fight and he spends more than a minute looking at his reflection in the shitty light of his bathroom. </p><p>It fits close to his body and reveals his slender build. Far from his usual athletic wear. </p><p>Unable to decide if he appreciates it or not, Neil leaves his place, car keys and wallet in his pocket. </p><p>***</p><p>It’s getting warmer outside, enough so that he gets rid of his jacket and leaves it in the car when he gets out of it. </p><p>Neil walks slowly toward the practice room door, almost forgetting all about the new attire he’s wearing and the way it clings to his skin. His fingers are tracing the contour of the key he’s holding in his palm. </p><p>The more he’s got to spend time with Andrew, the more he’s realised the man considers this place to be his home. A boring brown room, with shitty heating and a faint scent of sweat. A place he spends more time in than his own apartment. </p><p>And Neil has the key to it, and only Renee and Andrew have the other ones. </p><p>It means something to him. That he wants it to or not. </p><p>Slowly, he releases the key enough to slide it between his fingers and unlock the heavy door. The first chords of a song he already knows, the first one he ever heard the band play, welcomes him inside. It might be then he realises that without Renee, without that evening, he wouldn’t have met Andrew and Nicky.</p><p>Andrew’s presence has become strong and steady in his life, Neil doesn’t know anymore how it would feel to not end a day and look at his phone to see if Andrew told him that he’s at the practice room or not. Or the way Nicky always makes his phone feel warmer, and not just an emergency thing.</p><p>The fear that takes him is so vivid, Neil almost turns around, right here and then. Maybe he could run away and never return without too many regrets. Regrets. He got so much to lose now. Before he realises it, he’s trying to breathe slowly and steadily. Reminding himself of all the reasons why he’s staying and not fleeing. He doesn’t need to run. </p><p>Neil tries his best not to let anything show on his face as he finally gets down the stairs. When the others see him, Nicky stops in the middle of what he’s doing to whistle in an obnoxious way, which would annoy Neil more if he wasn’t coming down from a moment of panic. </p><p>Andrew, who would have usually focused his attention on glaring at his cousin, holds a steady gaze on him. It’s unsettling not to know the reason. Is it because of Neil’s expression, or because he is appreciating his figure? Guess he’ll never know. Yet, having Andrew’s eyes on him is steadying. </p><p>“You don’t have to stop for me, it’s just clothes.” Neil’s light tone is tainted to his own ears, but he’s lied well enough to know Nicky and Aaron—if he is even listening—will believe it. He shifts his attention to Renee, who is standing at her usual spot, a careful smile on her lips and her instrument in her hands. </p><p>“You’re looking nice, Neil.” She doesn’t mention that she never saw him in such clothes or that it screams Andrew. She himself isn’t wearing pastel or too conservative clothes for once, so the cross she usually wears looks more like an accessory now than a religious symbol. Neil is once again grateful to have her as his friend, no matter how hard he made it for her to walk into his world. </p><p>“Thanks.” Neil starts walking toward the couch, waving his hand above his shoulder in a dismissive cue. “Now go back to what you were doing.”</p><p>“But you’re hot.” Nicky seriously never learns, but Andrew keeps his attention on Neil. Until, suddenly, he starts playing and singing quickly enough that his cousin struggles to pick up where they left.</p><p>***</p><p>Sweetie’s is an okay place, Neil decides after taking a bite of his ice cream. It’s just sweet enough and melts on his tongue the way he would expect any good ice cream to. It's a berry-flavored one.</p><p>However, only one look at Andrew’s bowl almost brings a noise of disgust out of him. It’s a monstrosity of chocolate ice cream, with chocolate flakes and 2 brownies against it. Neil can’t even dream of taking a bite of it without drinking 3 full glasses of water after. “Are you trying to get cavities?” </p><p>Andrew raises his eyes from his treat, and shoves a huge bite in his mouth just to prove his point. The others don’t pay attention to them, sucked in a conversation about what type of new speakers they could buy.</p><p>Neil shakes his head, but can’t stop looking at the man eating the overly sugary snack. There is something fascinating about a grown ass, inexpressive man enjoying sweets so much. Andrew licks at his teeth without opening his mouth before giving Neil the most joyless, full-of-teeth smile anyone has ever given him, all of this probably just to prove that his teeth are all fine.</p><p>The fake smile is so short that Neil’s laughing outburst only looks weird and out of place when Nicky and Renee give them back their attention. </p><p>“What? What did I miss?” Nicky looks between them, seemingly feeling betrayed that the first time he sees Neil laugh, he can’t get the full picture. Or maybe it’s because Andrew never really says anything funny.</p><p>Neil hides his mouth and shakes his head in dismissal while Andrew doesn’t even pay attention to them, focusing solely back on eating his dessert. Nicky pouts, while Renee shrugs, totally fine with not knowing, and Aaron ignores them but does roll his eyes at the situation.</p><p>Frankly, Neil doesn’t even know why Aaron is here. Sure, he is Andrew’s twin and Nicky’s cousin, but they so rarely talk, and he always leaves when practice is over;  Neil didn’t even imagine them hanging out on other occasions. Guess he was wrong. Not that he cares that much, because Andrew still doesn’t pay any attention to his brother who’s sitting just two places away. </p><p>Nicky is quick to recover, finishing a bite before pointing his spoon at Neil. “You know, you squat at all of our practices, but why do we never see you at our gigs?” His hand raises to his heart, faking to be highly offended. Or maybe he is. Neil finds Nicky hard to get sometimes. “What about moral support?”</p><p>Aaron seems annoyed by the question, but for once he doesn’t say anything derisive in German. Not that he can do it subtly now. Neil is slightly proud of it. </p><p>“It’s not really my thing?” It’s a bad excuse, but he has to admit that he doesn’t see himself going out to bars in the middle of a lot of people much. It’s not something he fancies, and the only reason he is out with them tonight is as a bit of a thank you for letting him be here even if he isn’t a part of The Edge. </p><p>Nicky frowns. “Renee said you actually saw us once already, you can probably repeat the experience. It’s way better when Andrew is actually focused for an entire set!” He probably doesn’t mind saying it, with a table separating him and Andrew, since Nicky is sitting beside Neil. </p><p>“I’ll see, okay?” It’s not like Neil can explain that the only reason he saw them once is because he needed a place to hide while bleeding all over his shirt. Bars aren’t his thing, but they are practical with their dim light. </p><p>Renee puts her hand in the middle of the table to get Neil’s attention. “You don’t have to, it’s not required. Do not worry.” Her tone is light as to not bring too much attention to her defending Neil here.</p><p>Neil gives her a small smile as Nicky complains about the lack of solidarity from Renee.</p><p>***</p><p>The moment Neil’s eyes set on the club they are heading to, he wants to groan. He presses his head against the window. He’s sitting at the back with Nicky and Aaron, while Renee is sitting at the front. There are a lot of people waiting in line, all dressed in similar fashion to theirs, but they all look pretty eccentric compared to Neil.</p><p>His friend turns her eyes, apologetic, toward Neil. “It’s not that bad, we won’t have to wait.” </p><p>They get out of the car and Nicky brings back a parking tag, handed to him by a friendly bouncer who calls him by his name, to Andrew. Neil almost wants to go back with Andrew to go find a parking space to the car, and maybe steal a kiss or two, but Nicky isn’t having any of it as he grabs his wrist and brings him in. </p><p>It’s full of bodies, and it isn’t long before he feels like he’s suffocating, yet he tries his best to keep a straight face and walks alongside the others. They finally find a booth, with empty drinks all over the table, that is large enough to welcome the five of them. The bench is one of these half circles, and Aaron doesn’t waste time getting in the middle of it, leaning against his fist, clearly not in the mood to help them clean the table. </p><p>Nicky starts picking up the glasses confidently and shoving some in Neil’s hands before guiding them to the bar. He seems to know exactly where to drop them and waves at the bartender. When they get back to the table, Andrew is already there, standing beside it. </p><p>Neil takes a second to appreciate the way his shirt clings to his large shoulders, still a bit taken aback by how he notices that type of thing with Andrew now. The latter walks up to him and gives him a pointed look before heading to the bar. Neil doesn’t look forward to going back into the crowd again, enjoying the small bubble the table gives them, but he follows Andrew anyway, recognizing the silent command. </p><p>A smiling bartender welcomes them, his eyes looking Andrew up and down with ease, in a way Neil doesn’t see a lot of people do with Andrew. “The usual?” He doesn’t wait for the answer before he places a round tray and starts to pour an unhealthy amount of shots. </p><p>Andrew leans against the bar, giving a quick glance at Neil. “Minus the last part.” It leaves Neil confused, but the bartender snaps his head up, probably having super hearing to hear Andrew’s voice above the loud beat. He finally pays attention to Neil, giving him the same once-over that makes him uncomfortable. </p><p>“Oh, for him?” he says with a smile to Andrew as he places the drinks on the tray. His eyes quickly find Neil again. “Hi, I’m Roland. Hope you like keeping your hands to yourself.” </p><p>Neil frowns in confusion, then opens his mouth in disbelief when he finally makes the link. The times he ended up making out with Andrew since the first time come back to his mind. It was pretty clear that the other didn’t want to be touched, which Neil respects. But Andrew and Roland? Really? “Eh, that’s fine by me. Whatever he wants.” It’s not something he really wants to talk about, and Andrew’s eyes are heavy on him after he answers. “Can I get a soda?” Going back to the table seems like a safer place, and he feels an itch to get away from the very open bartender. </p><p>Roland laughs and comes back with a canned soda that he places with the insane amount of drinks prepared only for them. Neil only has a brief thought about how the hell they will bring it back to their table when Andrew picks it up swiftly, experience evident in his movements. </p><p>He raises an eyebrow at Neil, waiting, and the latter gets the cue, getting them securely back to their booth. The way the others sit across the bench, ends up being Renee in the middle, Aaron and then Nicky on the side, and it leaves place for Andrew and Neil to sit together on the opposite side of the others.  </p><p>Nicky seems excited as he picks up his first shot, but Aaron almost reaches for them desperately, taking two back to back. Renee picks up one of the colorful drinks, and sips it slowly, none of the hurry the others are showing affecting her.</p><p>Andrew starts drinking quickly after, looking as bored as usual by the activity, but the way his thigh presses again Neil’s own doesn’t go unnoticed. For someone so aware of himself all the time, it must be intentional. Not that Neil would complain, really. He gets his soda, opening the can and sipping at it silently.</p><p>After three shots, Nicky gives him a look. “Not even one? Come on, Neil!” </p><p>He shakes his head, offering an apologetic smile. “I don’t tolerate it well, better to keep me off it.” It’s not really true, he can keep his alcohol pretty well, but he’s pretty bad at knowing when it’s enough. He has too many secrets to drink carelessly, and one drink usually makes him want to get another. </p><p>After a little, Aaron and Nicky slide off of the booth, the latter bringing Renee with him. “I suppose you don’t dance either, boring man!” He shouts above his shoulder as they disappear in the crowd.</p><p>The sudden shift in the atmosphere automatically lets Neil relax a bit at Andrew’s side. They still don’t talk, but it’s as comfortable as it can be with the loud music and bodies around, closer to their usual evenings alone together.</p><p>After a moment, he turns his head, leaning against his fist, elbow on the table. </p><p>Nobody here will really care if he’s looking at Andrew, so he does so. The latter does give him a bored glance at some point, but doesn’t comment. Neil can almost hear him say “Don’t look at me like that.”, which is enough to make him smirk. </p><p>Neil clears his throat before talking louder. “So—”</p><p>“If you mention Roland, I’m not going to be merciful.” There is a real warning in Andrew’s voice, so Neil lets it go easily.</p><p>“Okay,” he says, finding it not worth it after all. Andrew does give him a weird look when he doesn’t insist, but Neil is thanked by him shifting closer as he reaches for another shot. He doesn’t move away after. </p><p>Neil gives another look around and sips slowly at his soda. It’s sweet in a way he isn’t used to anymore. He probably drinks too much bitter coffee now. “Do you come here often?” The answer seems evident, but maybe Andrew will feel generous.</p><p>“Once or twice a month,” is the short response, and Neil thinks there won’t be more when Andrew adds, “Nicky worked here for a while after coming back from Germany, and Aaron and I washed the dishes to earn some money and help.” It’s more explanation than Neil thought he would have, and it explains why Roland and Andrew know each other then.</p><p>He hums and turns his attention back to his drink. He wishes they were back to the roof, where he could have asked “Yes or no?” to the other.</p><p>“Will you come to one?” Andrew asks suddenly, amber eyes fixated on him. </p><p>“To one what?” Neil retorts dumbly, trying to find the answer in Andrew’s eyes. They only seem to call him stupid at the moment, and he doesn’t seem keen to help. “Oh.” Nicky’s question. “One of your gigs?”</p><p>Andrew nods, probably wondering why he’s even bothering to ask someone so dumb. It’s fine.</p><p>Neil is fine with it. “Do you want me to?” </p><p>Andrew returns his attention in front of him, clearly bored with the question. “You do what you want, I don’t care.”</p><p>If it was someone else than Andrew, it’s probable that Neil would have believed him fully, yet something in the answer makes him smile. “Okay.” </p><p>Maybe he can attend one.</p><p>***</p><p>Neil wakes up abruptly the next morning on the couch of the guys’ house in Columbia. His first instinct is to reach for the gun under his pillow, but it isn’t there, comfortably settled under his own pillow back home.</p><p>The little light filtering in the living room through the drawn curtains doesn’t even reach his eyes, unlikely to have woken him up. His heart is beating strongly in his chest, as he reaches for the hard and uncomfortable lump against his right hip, finding his phone stuck between him and the pillow. </p><p>His eyes squint at the sudden brightness of the screen as he flops his mobile open. There is a new message from a couple of minutes ago; the vibration must have woken him up. </p><p>Neil opens it with a sluggish mind, wondering who it might be, because it’s an unknown number. When he takes in the sight in front of him, every hint of drowsiness leaves his mind and body. </p><p>
  <i>Private Number</i>
</p><p>
  <i>25<br/>
8:33 A.M.</i>
</p><p>His body feels like a metal bar as he gets up and starts making sure he has everything on him. It could be nothing, but Neil doubts it is. His mother already got such countdowns, and he never gives his number anywhere. Every nerve in his body screams at him to run, to get far away from everyone and everything.</p><p>He almost reaches the front door when a rough voice raises behind him.</p><p>“Neil?” </p><p>Neil turns around, unable to hide his panic for a second, staring back at Andrew who is standing in the hallway to all of the bedrooms. His bed hair sticks around his head in a cute way, but his expression is hard and expecting. </p><p>Andrew doesn’t ask him if he’s okay, but he does take some steps in Neil’s direction. When he is close enough to reach for the other, he raises his hand, palm up in front of Neil. A silent invitation.</p><p>His thoughts are a jumbled mess with his lack of sleep and startled awakening. Therefore, he stares at Andrew’s palm for what seems like an eternity before he takes it, feeling a secure feeling fill his stomach. </p><p>“Sleep or coffee?” Andrew closes his fingers around Neil’s ones, not moving just yet. </p><p>“Coffee,” is Neil’s unconfident answer, and his legs are stiff as he follows Andrew in the kitchen. The latter only releases his hand when he’s sure to be between Neil and the front door, starting a pot of coffee. “Can I also get a cigarette?” His mother would kill him so badly if she was alive; she would make sure Neil forgets about Andrew and everyone who’s starting to be important to him, and she would make sure he didn’t take the man’s hand, that he would have run instead. </p><p>Andrew doesn’t answer, but when two cups of the brown liquid are ready, he guides them to the back door and goes to sit on the balcony. It’s a bit cold to be out at this hour without a coat, but Andrew doesn’t complain about it as he settles the mugs on the wood. A second later, he has two cigarettes out from his pants pocket and offers one to Neil.</p><p>There is something overly familiar about holding a cigarette in cupped hands, and Neil tries to focus on it and the press of Andrew’s knee against his thigh, grateful for the lack of questions.</p><p>They don’t go inside until the coffee is gone and Andrew is smoking his third cigarette.</p><p>***</p><p>It’s Saturday, two weeks later, and Neil has just come back from his morning jog and is trying to shake away the dreadful <i>10</i> in his inbox. They have been coming in everyday since the first time, and Neil knows what a countdown looks like. A countdown to what? He tries not to think about it, knowing his legs will bring him away the moment he puts too much thought in it. </p><p>Neil jumps in the shower and rubs at his body as if he can remove the uncomfortable feeling setting in his limbs. He especially puts a lot of effort against the scars he knows come from his father, but the lingering knowledge that the countdown might be his fault, even dead, doesn’t go away. </p><p>When he is out and dressed, Neil grabs an apple, a bottle of water and his keys, and heads out without his phone. </p><p>***</p><p>Neil is lying down, facing the ceiling, when Andrew enters the practice room.  The latter gives him a dull glance as if he expected Neil to be there. When he reaches him, he kicks his thigh without real force. “You aren’t answering your phone.” </p><p>“I left it home,” Neil retorts, patting his pockets as a proof. </p><p>Andreil continues to stare down at him for a minute, before deciding it isn’t worth a question and moving away to pick his guitar up. He doesn’t need to repeat himself.  Neil knows Andrew thinks it’s stupid for someone like Neil, with so many enemies, to let his phone die all the time, let alone leaving it a home. </p><p>The moment Andrew starts to sing, Neil perks up, listening closely.</p><p>
  <i>I've been away too long from you and I'm selfish<br/>
But I can't control just what you do<br/>
And I hope to god that you leave me soon<br/>
That you walk away from this<br/>
Burning bridge that you crossed too late<br/>
And you just forget that we ever met<br/>
But before you forget<br/>
There's just something I have to say</i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm sick of your voice<br/>
Sick of your face<br/>
Sick of your choices<br/>
Sick of your name<br/>
Sick of your pleasure<br/>
Sick of your pain<br/>
Sick of your pressure<br/>
Sick of your game</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I wish I never ever met you<br/>
Couple months of mistakes I'll never undo<br/>
I'm not your medicine or your tool<br/>
Don't expect me to ever fix you</i>
</p><p>The clear jab at Neil in the lyrics gets a smile out of him, one he didn’t think he could have today.</p><p>Maybe spending the day with Andrew is a good idea.</p><p>***</p><p>“I’m so hungry,” Neil complains, still on the ground after a while of listening to Andrew sing his compositions or songs he faintly remembers having heard on the radio or when the Foxes decide to drag him to their parties. It’s the third time he grumbles about starving, the lonely apple he ate 2 hours ago not enough anymore. </p><p>It’s almost absent, but Neil can see how Andrew gets more annoyed each time, which he’s counting on if he wants the other to react. </p><p>After the fourth time, Andrew finally sighs and puts his guitar away. “I should take back that key.” It’s an empty threat, but Neil’s hand still goes to his keys on the ground beside him and brings them close to his chest in a protective gesture. This isn’t something he’s ready to lose. </p><p>“Come on, let’s go eat somewhere or get take out, at least.” As if to agree with him, Neil’s stomach gurgles loudly. Andrew pulls a face at it, yet he gets up and picks up his backpack. </p><p>Without a word, he climbs the stairs waiting for Neil to follow. When the latter reaches him, he says, in a tone that doesn’t leave room for argument, “I want Chinese.” </p><p>***</p><p>Turns out the closest Chinese restaurant around is completely filled with people enjoying their weekend. It’s also 5 minutes away from Neil’s apartment, so he suggests for them to go eat there instead of going back to the practice room. When he gets a weird look from Andrew, he argues. “The food will be colder if we go back there.” </p><p>It’s not as odd as he thought it would be to let Andrew in, which is in itself satisfying. It will never feel as right as he wishes it would to let someone see where he lives, to give a piece of information that could be used against him, but looking at the blond man quietly observing the studio make him feel him warm, outrunning the usual coldness that settles in his stomach. </p><p>The room isn’t much, a single bed in the left corner—the blanket has foxes on it, a gift from a teasing Dan—an old kitchenette on the right just beside the entrance, a kitchen island able to welcome two persons, and further on the opposite side of the bed a blue couch and a TV his friends forced him to get. </p><p>It’s not much, but it’s okay and Neil prefers not to spend a lot on the rent. </p><p>They take place at the island unit and Neil does not waste time shoving pad thai in his mouth. It’s too hot, so his eyes fill with water but he still tries to swallow, regretting his eagerness, giving his take-out box a glare. </p><p>He’s disturbed from his staring contest, feeling the burned side of his tongue, by Andrew asking, “Can I take a turn?” </p><p>Neil feels curiosity taking him and he nods, blowing on his food this time before shoving another bite in his mouth. It’s much better. </p><p>“Why does someone on the run settles down as an assistant coach for a team with so much press around it?” Andrew’s eyes set on him as he takes the smallest bite from his General Tao chicken. The only type of food he seems to eat with big bites is ice cream. The sun is reflecting in his eyes in a way that makes them appear golden, and Neil almost kisses him on the spot, but decides against it as he mulls over the question.</p><p>He eats a bit more of his meal before explaining. “My father got killed by my uncle on my mother’s side, and he informed me one day when I was in Millport. Probably revenge or some shit.” Neil shrugs, remembering how his ears had buzzed when he got the news. “He was the Moriyama’s left hand and some of my father’s men who got taken by the FBI that night gave enough names to hurt the Japanese family, deeply.”<br/>
Andrew hums, indicating that he’s still listening, even if his attention has gone back to his meal. </p><p>“They aren’t beyond repair, but they are hurt enough to be off my back.” Neil’s thoughts bring him back to the countdown, but he tries his best to ignore it. “I spent enough years in the Nest to greatly improve the Millport Dingos with unreleased drills and thinking outside the box. I got some attention because of it.” His right palm reaches up to rub at the scar on his shoulder, remembering how he tried to avoid the attention at first. “The coach there thought I fitted in with the Foxes, so he gave my file to Wymack and I ended up accepting the position as an assistant there.” There was something that called him toward this team. Maybe because they were broken too. </p><p>“Does your coach know you might have a target on your back?” Andrew is never soft with words, and Neil almost regrets not saying anything about the countdown to him that would prove his words. He still can’t bring himself to do it. He selfishly wants Andrew with him until it’s too late. He only has 10 days left.</p><p>“Kind of, he knows I went through some shit and that I hate cameras.” Neil has told some of the original Foxes he coached and Wymack about bits and parts. It has taken time and coercing, but mostly patience on their side. </p><p>They continue eating after this, and Neil doesn’t take a turn yet, maybe later or maybe never—he might not have the time. He likes how balanced the game is, but there is nothing he truly wants to know right now, and Andrew’s presence with him on a weekend day is telling enough for now. </p><p>After putting their leftovers in the fridge, they move to the couch and Neil lets Andrew choose a movie for them. It’s not like he knows that many or watches any on a regular basis anyway. </p><p>They are halfway through the robots-packed movie when Andrew, who has gotten  closer and closer through the minutes, turns toward him. “Yes or no?”</p><p>Neil doesn’t waste time to answer. “Yes.” Feeling like he had waited for it for days now. When it comes, the kiss isn’t as soft as usual and it’s good, he loves it that way. It screams Andrew. It grounds Neil down and even without knowing what is going on between them, he wants to hold on to it. </p><p>Neil must be flexing his fingers again, because Andrew cuts the kiss to grab Neil’s wrists and place his hands in his own hair. “There, but only there.” </p><p>Neil nods, unwilling to break the trust that was just placed in him as he leans forward to kiss Andrew again. It’s so much better to be able to cling at the hair between his fingers, and soon enough his back hits the arm of the couch as they lean backward, Andrew setting himself between Neil’s legs. </p><p>“Can I touch you?” Andrew barely breaks the kiss, murmuring against Neil’s lips. They are so close, it’s almost impossible for the man on top not to feel the way his whole body shivers at the question. </p><p>Neil tries to get him closer, hands still in Andrew’s hair. “Yes, I’ll tell you if it becomes no.” He doesn’t want him to have to ask for every single thing, and he hopes the other will trust him on this one. Neil will say no if he doesn’t want to. </p><p>Andrew bites down hard on Neil's lower lip, probably in disagreement, but he doesn’t move away, one of his hands discovering Neil’s body. He isn’t used to it, but he finds it intoxicating. Before he knows it he’s half hard and shaky, Andrew’s hand tracing him through his pants. </p><p>Neil gasps when Andrew moves away, fingers busy undoing the button and zipper of Neil’s pants. He’s staring at Neil’s face, and the latter nods, giving permission to whatever the other wants. He raises his hips when Andrew pulls his pants and briefs down. Shit. Neil isn’t used to feeling so exposed, and he can feel a blush creep up his neck and cheeks. </p><p>Getting a blowjob is new to him, but he can’t deny that Andrew seems to know what he’s doing. Neil does his best to keep his hands only in the blond hair, keeping any noise he might be tempted to make down his throat. It’s mostly by habit of not wanting to be too loud that he does so, yet he can’t help but pants when he’s getting close.</p><p>“Andrew, I’m close.” His voice is steadier than he feels, and he might not jerk off often— the need is pretty rare—but he knows the telltale signs of his impending orgasm. Neil chokes as he comes into Andrew’s mouth, left breathless by the intensity of it. His fingers finally release their grip, and he feels sluggish and spent. </p><p>After a minute, Andrew moves away to tuck Neil back in his pants and leans to kiss him again, this time slower. It tastes strong, but Neil won't complain anyway.</p><p>Neil has the feeling in his guts of what Andrew’s answer to his question will be, but he asks anyway, ignoring the sound of the movie in the background. “Do you want anything?” A quick glance tells him this didn’t leave Andrew unaffected, bringing a light sense of pride to Neil.</p><p>Before answering, the man on top tenses. “No.” </p><p>And it might be why Neil is quick to reply, as calm as he can. “Okay, no problem. There is the bathroom if you want.” </p><p>Andrew gives him a look and nods, but doesn’t move for a second. Neil hates how surprised he seems to be, and he keeps as still as he can, making sure his intentions are clear and loud. He won’t do anything Andrew doesn’t want him to. </p><p>“Okay.” Andrew finally says, tension leaving his shoulders to Neil’s satisfaction. He leans once more to kiss Neil before heading to the bathroom.</p><p>Neil could get used to it.</p><p>He sits up, his body loose, but his eyes search for his phone on the bed.</p><p>It’s disappointing to think he might not have time to get used to it.</p><p>***<br/>
On Monday Neil texts Nicky.</p><p>
  <i>Nicky</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Neil: when is your next gig?<br/>
1:35 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>omg why????? :)<br/>
1:47 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>forget i asked<br/>
1:52 P.M.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>no no no no no! it’s next saturday i’ll tell the others you’re coming!<br/>
1:54 P.M.</i>
</p><p>Neil doesn’t answer, switching screens to the 8 that was sent 5 minutes ago. At least he can go to one of their performances before it gets to 0.</p><p>***</p><p>It isn’t comfortable. Neil truly isn’t at his place at a bar, especially not when ironically it is the same one he first saw them at. It has been months since, and it feels like an eternity. Back then, he would never have expected someone like Andrew to enter his life. Back then, he felt scared and alone with all of his friends in different cities. Back then, he didn’t know if he would die without anyone noticing he was gone until Monday came by.</p><p>This time though, Neil sits at the front at Nicky’s orders, and he has a glass of water on his table. He’s sitting alone, and the others are waiting in the tiny backstage section beside the stage. The first band is better than the one that had played before The Edge last time, which is a nicer way to pass the time, but Neil can only think about seeing Andrew under the spotlight again.</p><p>Nicky and Renee have refused to tell which songs they were going to play. It didn’t bother Neil at first, thinking Andrew wouldn’t be difficult to convince, but unlike his expectations, Andrew has kept his mouth shut, never answering the question.</p><p>Soon enough, his friends enter the stage, exchanging places and instruments with the other group. The only instrument that the bar owns and lends is the drum, unwilling for bands to always have to bring their own.</p><p>Renee looks down the stage, squinting her eyes to find him and then waving lightly to show that she sees him. She is dressed in a similar fashion to the night they went out, and the others are too. Andrew must be feeling pretty warm in his shiny leather jacket, but he doesn’t show any sign of discomfort—not that Neil thinks he would—and he does look really good in it. </p><p>They start with the song that made Neil realise there might be something going on between them and go on with some older ones that some people in the bar sing along to. Andrew never pays him attention, maybe not seeing him well with the lights, but Neil doesn’t mind. The singer knows he’s here and for some reason, he wanted Neil to be, which is enough to satisfy him. </p><p>That might be why Neil is unsuspecting when the first chords of a song he doesn’t remember them practicing with lyrics on resonate around them. Amber eyes finally go down on him, not leaving their new victim.</p><p>
  <i>Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song<br/>
Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song<br/>
Scorpion sting, I don't wanna bleed<br/>
Tell me that I'm not lost<br/>
Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Here you are again<br/>
Bad news from a bad friend<br/>
They call you an omen<br/>
Only here to torment<br/>
Wicked and Hellbent<br/>
A damned soul pretending<br/>
But I don't believe them</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You don't want me to stay alone<br/>
That's why you gotta sing your song<br/>
You keep tapping at my door<br/>
Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But can I ask you something<br/>
A favor from you my friend<br/>
This song you keep singin'<br/>
Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song<br/>
Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song<br/>
Scorpion sting, I don't wanna bleed<br/>
Tell me that I'm not lost<br/>
Oh Raven won't you sing me a happy song</i>
</p><p>Neil opens his mouth and closes it right after when he realises he can’t say anything to Andrew now. They did finish writing the lyrics together, Andrew doing some of his word magic and Neil’s feelings, but the latter wasn’t aware he has made the others practice it. </p><p>It’s so unlike Andrew to try to surprise someone that Neil stares back, and he knows he must look at him the exact way Andrew hates.</p><p>
  <i>Raven can you hear me<br/>
Thought you loved me but you fooled me<br/>
You drove me to madness<br/>
No one here to witness</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Vicious and relentless<br/>
A villain in a black dress<br/>
Too late, I should have listened</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You want me to be alone<br/>
Remind me of what is gone<br/>
Singing from dusk 'til dawn<br/>
Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore</i>
</p><p>
  <i>A question before I go<br/>
A favor from you my foe<br/>
This song you keep singin'<br/>
Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore</i>
</p><p>As Neil listens to the rest of the song, he secretly wishes that he could have filmed it and sent it to Kevin. A final fuck you, and shut up if you want us to keep talking. </p><p>Maybe he’ll be able to coerce the band into it. Nicky would starve for the attention, Renee wouldn’t mind, Aaron wouldn’t care if the others agreed, and maybe Andrew will be unaffected by it enough to let him film. </p><p>Neil doesn’t realise he’s smiling until it has been long enough that his cheeks start to hurt with disuse. He even ignores the moment his phone vibrates in his pocket, a <i>3</i> surely waiting for him.</p><p>***</p><p>Later that night, Neil is back home and has showered when a knock at his door startles him. Finding Andrew here definitely confuses him, but he doesn’t hesitate to say “yes” when the other asks him the now traditional “yes or no?” question.</p><p>He doesn’t hesitate to let Andrew push him back against the now closed door and take him apart with his mouth and hands. </p><p>And he doesn’t hesitate to ask Andrew to stay here to sleep with him when he gets out of the bathroom, offering the couch if ever the other doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed. </p><p>“It’s like 2 in the morning.” Neil shrugs as an explanation, when Andrew stares at him carefully. “I have clean sweatpants and you can shower if you want.”</p><p>This is how they end up each on their side of the small bed, close enough to kiss lazily. The trust Andrew gives him is almost enough to make Neil laugh in delight and sorrow. He wonders for a moment if he’ll be able to miss this when he’s dead, if Tuesday he’ll have to say goodbye to all of this. </p><p>“Why are you watching me like this.” Andrew opens one of his eyes, clearly finding it hard to keep himself awake. Yet, he manages to look suspicious. Neil wonders what he’s found in his expression that suddenly keeps the singer alert.</p><p>Unable to voice out his worries without outing what he’s hiding from Andrew, Neil decides to lie. “You should come to one of the Foxes’ games. We have a home game on Tuesday.” His hand reaches for some blond hair that fell in front of Andrew’s eyes, waiting for him to nod before he moves it out of the way. “I came tonight to your thing, you can come to mine.”</p><p>“I’m the singer, you don’t even play.” As expected, Andrew looks bored at the prospect, but he doesn’t say no right away.</p><p>“But I help with their coaching, I participate in their wins.” Neil thinks he wants to share what might be his last game as an assistant coach—if he gets through the day—and he is proud of his Foxes. He might not be close to them the same way he is to the initial Foxes, but he wants to show a part of his pride in a similar fashion to Andrew showing him his music. “I’ll ask Nicky and Renee, they can even bring Aaron if they want.”</p><p>“Exy is stupid, it’ll be boring.” Andrew sighs and closes his eyes again.</p><p>Knowing he’s won, Neil smiles and closes his own eyes. “Maybe.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you thought? Next and last chapter will be up this week most probably! I also wrote some other stuff meanwhile, so please look forward to it!</p><p>Tumblr: lav-ende<br/>Twitter: lav_ende</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Welcome to the last chapter! If you have made it here, i'm immensely grateful. Have fun finding out what happens when the countdown hits 0 haha.</p><p>This fic has song lyrics in it, so I made a playlist for the songs used in it: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0746XfV2QfWdnk2UBYT85Z?si=u0VTjzZlQ_2HCzk3YybOTQ">not a lullaby playlist</a><br/>you can also search it by name: Nie - not a lullaby</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nicky managed to coerce them all to lunch before they head to the game. Neil tried to avoid it, wanting to spend more time at the Court before the day ends, but he thinks that might be one of those moments Dan tells him life isn’t just Exy.</p><p>Neil, not so subtly, ended up taking the seat beside Andrew at the table, where Renee would usually sit. They had that weird thing going on about who sits where. Neil,however, wanted to feel Andrew’s steadying presence beside him. Nicky did look disconcerted for a moment, but Renee calmly made him sit beside her. </p><p>They are halfway through their meal when Nicky throws a fry at Neil’s face. “Can you please ask Andrew who wrote the lyrics for <i>Oh Raven?</i>” he whines, giving his cousin one worried look, eyes back on Neil when he doesn’t get a bad reaction. </p><p>Neil frowns at his meal, glancing at the singer beside him. He had not realized the others weren’t aware of it; maybe Andrew thought it wasn’t his place to give away one of Neil’s secrets. His chest feels tight. In his pocket is a phone with a message that only contains the number 0.</p><p>“Eh, I don’t have to ask, I already know who wrote them,” he mumbles, shoving some more fries in his mouth. </p><p>“He told you but not the band?” For once, Nicky truly looks offended.</p><p>“Not really?” Neil presses at the scar on his shoulder. “I wrote them, well, partly. Andrew is better than me at putting my thoughts in words.” When he looks up, Renee has a small knowing smile, while Nicky is choking on his bite. </p><p>“You wrote that?” Nicky frowns then sighs. “Okay, since when are you meeting without us? No way you managed this in our faces.” </p><p>Neil doesn’t feel bad for having kept it for them only, so he just shrugs. One glance at Andrew says he doesn’t care about it being said to the others. Surprisingly, it’s Renee who puts a hand on Nicky’s shoulder, pulling his leg with a teasing tone, “They were pretty obvious, no?”</p><p>The older man stares at Renee with big eyes, a pout soon on his face. “Are you saying I am blind?” </p><p>“Maybe.” She answers matter-of-factly. “But it’s okay, it’s probably because Erik occupies most of your thoughts.”</p><p>“Right!” Nicky still sounds offended, yet he’s quick to change the subject to his boyfriend.</p><p>It’s funny, and Neil finds himself glad to have gone out with them today. The moment Andrew’s knee touches his under the table though, Neil pushes his food away, the knot in his stomach too tight.</p><p>Fuck, it’s hard.</p><p>***</p><p>The game goes well. Neil’s friends are sitting just behind the players’ bench and Andrew keeps on muttering about the Foxes’ goalie and his lack of skills. Neil kind of figured Andrew must have already played before because of his knowledge of a sport he keeps bitching about. Sadly, he doesn’t think he’ll have time to ask him about it.</p><p>Even if they are winning, anger is starting to raise more and more inside his chest. It feels so unfair. His father is already dead, the Moriyamas didn’t come back to get him, and with everything that had been said by his father’s associates, they have no reasons to reach for Neil because he doesn’t have more information than that.</p><p>He should have run, he should have run the first day he received a number. But Andrew was there, he had been there, giving Neil his hand and offering a home, and Neil had wanted so badly to believe he could have it. He still wants it so bad, it hurts.</p><p>When the game is finished, 5-4 for the Foxes, Nicky tells him they will wait near the main entrance. There are guards following the team back since tonight was an important game; they got used to some trashing when winning near the finals and Wymack wouldn’t take chances anymore. </p><p>The coach goes back with their captain for the press, leaving Neil alone while the rest of his team are washing up and changing. His phone buzzes without stopping against his thigh, signifying a call. For a second, Neil doesn’t move, staring straight at the wall, but then he picks it up and answers the private number.</p><p>“Hello.” His voice is ice even to his own ears. </p><p>
  <i>“Hello, Junior. Do you remember me?”</i>
</p><p>Neil’s heart comes to a sick halt. No matter how far he has tried to get from his past, there is no way he would have forgotten Lola’s voice. She taught him to use knives when he was 5.</p><p>Neil also knows the FBI didn’t find her when her name got sold. He has been naive to ever think she wouldn’t get back at him even without his father around.</p><p>“I don’t remember giving you that number, Lola.” He looks around rapidly, hoping for no one to come back while he is on the phone. Blood is rushing to his ears and he can feel the weight of this call on his shoulders. </p><p><i>“Nathaniel Wesninski would have known how to hide well, but it seems like Neil Josten doesn’t mind dying. It wasn’t that hard to find you.”</i> Her voice is pleased and amused, and Neil wants to hang up on her, wants her to stay in his past only.</p><p>“What do you want?” </p><p>Lola laughs the ugliest laugh Neil has heard in years. <i>“Compensation, you see. If your father hadn’t been caught up in finding you, he probably wouldn’t have died. I lost much from it and I think a bit of fun time together could help me get over it.”</i> </p><p>Neil senses someone moving near the hallway and recognizes Romero, Lola’s brother. It’s too late. He can’t run. </p><p>Lola continues, <i>“And, you see, if you do not want your little team or the friends we saw with you earlier to get hurt, you’re going to follow my brother out.”</i> She gives him time to answer, but any word he might want to say is caught in his throat. <i>“I suggest that you hurry if you don’t want someone to notice and get in our way, hm?”</i> </p><p>It is reckless of her to act this way, too many people could interfere. Neil can recognize an act of despair and revenge when he sees one. For a moment, as the line cuts, Neil can feel Andrew’s lips on his. He presses his fingers into his bottom lip and tries to breathe around them, his heart sinking low. Fear is a familiar emotion he knows well, but he doesn’t expect sorrow to take such a huge place too. </p><p>Quickly, Neil reaches Romero and follows him outside. He has no idea how many men Lola has around, which means that he will obey and not try to run. There’s no way he’s going to put his friends in danger for his own survival, just knowing he has put them in enough danger already bothers him. His mother would be enraged by his humanity. </p><p>Romero guides him toward the end of the parking lot and Neil recognizes Andrew’s car easily, standing out among the older cars. His heart beats harder in his chest as they walk past it. It's just enough time for him to drop his keys beside it. Andrew would most probably understand that Neil wouldn’t abandon what is the representation of a home to him. He sincerely can just hope Andrew will understand that Neil didn’t want to leave.</p><p>Even before reaching the destination, Neil can’t help but miss his friends—Dan, Matt, Allison, Renee, Nicky—and Andrew, somehow something more, with a ferocity threatening to turn him inside-out. </p><p>They reach a black car with tinted windows, and Romero doesn’t lose time shoving Neil in the front seat. Because he hits his head on the way in, Neil doesn’t react quickly when his arms are bent until something clicks around his wrists, holding them around the seat. </p><p>Now that he’s away from the others, fear takes over him again. Neil tries his best to soothe his features and keep any emotion at bay from showing, but his insides are in  turmoil. </p><p>“Junior is all grown up!” Lola’s voice up close behind him makes him feel sick, and Neil snaps his head to the side to try and take a look at her. Meanwhile, Romero enters on the driver’s side and starts driving them away. “Such a shame your father can’t see you, right? You look so much like him.” </p><p>Neil tries bending his arms and moving away, but he’s stuck. The cold press of a blade finally finds his right hand and he can’t help but close it quickly. “Stop it.” It reminds him of his father and of Riko, and fuck, he doesn’t want to die because of a blade. </p><p>“Stop me, Nathaniel.” The name gives his stomach a sick twist, but it’s the knife cutting his flesh that makes him tense until he feels the cuffs getting in his wrist. It’s hell, cuts on his fingers, on his forearms, on his palms, it burns badly and Neil can’t help but trash around, sometimes even getting the blade deeper in his skin. </p><p>At some point, they stop in a small alley he doesn’t even have the strength to recognize. Blood is slowly running down his arms and hands. Neil can’t see it, but he feels it against his raw flesh, palms burning and wet. </p><p>“It actually makes me sick, Junior,” Lola says in a sweet voice, and Neil can still recognize the way the woman speaks before doing something vicious. She grabs his chin, turning his face toward her. Her eyes are crazier than he remembers. “Your father was a handsome man, you shouldn’t look so much like him when you’ve betrayed him as much as you did. What do you think?” </p><p>Neil hears something click beside him and tries to look, but Lola keeps his face steady, fingers pressing in his cheeks now.</p><p>It’s only when Romero hands her something that Neil sees the dashboard lighter. Panic overflows him as he spits, “I think, fuck you.”</p><p>“Don’t flinch,” she says, but it’s impossible as agony explodes on his face. The smell of burning skin is familiar and sickening. Neil can’t fake anymore. There is no more bravery; tears fill his eyes as he tries to escape the pain. At some point she releases his face, but there is only so much space Neil has to escape, especially with Romero bringing him back closer. </p><p>She does it again and again, getting cries out of Neil’s sore throat, and each time he moves away he cuts his other cheek against the knife she holds on the other side. His breathing is a mess when she stops. “Isn’t it fun! We are having a great time.” It’s blurry in his mind, so she shakes him a bit, fingers against raw flesh. "Hey, you listening, Junior? Wouldn’t want you to miss the party.” All of her hatred finally finds place in her voice, and Neil knows for sure he isn’t getting out of this alive. </p><p>“You’re fucked up.” His voice is messed up and he doesn’t have the time to close his mouth again before he hears another click. With big eyes, he looks at Romero, flinching when he gives back the lighter to his sister. “Just kill me.” It’s too much like a whine, but Neil is tired, so tired and in pain. </p><p>“That’s going to come, Junior. No need to be impatient,” retorts Lola as she gets the lighter from her brother and brings it with her behind Neil. Not being able to see the improvised weapon anymore is worse, and Neil pulls so hard he feels metal cutting his wrists open. “Now at least you won’t go to your death bed looking as handsome as your father.”</p><p>Then she starts melting the skin on his arms and hands, and Neil can’t take it anymore, screaming in agony. There is no one to stop Lola and her demented mind. His heart is beating so fast it feels like the sound of an Exy ball bouncing off the court walls. </p><p>This is where it ends, he absentmindedly thinks through the pain. This is where he has to say goodbye to everyone. Neil hopes they will stay safe. He hopes someone else will find a path in Andrew’s world, every inch of himself full of regrets for not being the one who can stay at his side.</p><p>Neil closes his eyes, wishing for pain to finally put him out, when he hears glass breaking around him. His first reflex is to keep his eyes closed to not receive any shards in them, but after a minute of sickening silence he opens them again. </p><p>There is Romero leaning against his door beside him, a bloody hole clear in his right temple. Neil can’t turn around, but the lack of answer from Lola tells him she must have met a similar fate. He doesn’t find it in himself to be horrified, but he doesn’t allow himself any hope until the murderer shows up. It might not have been to help him. </p><p>It feels like an eternity before Neil hears someone walking on broken glass beside the car. He raises panicked eyes until they meet Stuart’s ones. His uncle gives him a pitying look before opening the door to Lola’s body, and there is some fumbling, Stuart searching for something.</p><p>The moment the cuffs open around Neil’s bloody wrists, it dawns upon him with hope that chokes him with its strength.</p><p>He isn’t going to die tonight.</p><p>***</p><p>Stuart picked up his nephew and brought him to another car, other men taking over the scene to make it disappear or look like an accident. Neil doesn’t pay attention to them as he listens to his uncle explaining that he kept people around Lola when he heard she was still out and about. </p><p>This is some sick way to protect him, but Neil knows family is still important on his mother’s side. He won’t thank him, but he might feel grateful.</p><p>“No hospital until we’ve cleaned up the mess,” Stuart says strictly, and Neil doesn’t even think of arguing, no matter how much pain he currently is in. He has no lie for what just happened and he’s too tired to think properly, he wouldn’t go even if he had a choice. “Is there someone you trust that could help?”</p><p>So Neil gives his uncle Abby’s address, knowing she would be the most trustworthy and helpful person at the moment. As they are driving there, Neil picks up his phone in his pocket—the pain coming from his charred hands against the fabric darkening his vision in the corners—and he isn’t surprised to find it dead. </p><p>He wishes he could reassure his friends. He wonders what Andrew is doing now. What was his reaction when he found Neil’s keys? </p><p>Neil tries his best to turn off his thoughts when he reaches Abby’s place, glad to see some light in her kitchen even at 11 P.M. He can barely believe that he had only been taken 2 hours ago. Stuart mentions that he’ll stay in contact in the next few days and get some men around Neil’s apartment. The latter hates to think he’ll be watched, but he doesn’t have the energy to protest. </p><p>Neil waits for his uncle to be gone before he gets to the front door, and he almost laughs when he realises he can’t knock with his fists. Doing so with his foot is awkward, but he gets it done, almost losing his balance in the process. </p><p>Not so surprisingly, it’s Wymack who opens the door, multiple emotions exchanging place on his face before it settles on sadness. Abby, behind him, hides her mouth with her hand, and gasps a choked “Neil,” before carefully reaching for him where she doesn’t see blood and burned skin. </p><p>As Abby’s hands bring him inside, Neil finally feels the last of his strength leaving him. He only has time to turn around toward the coach and mumble,  “No hospital,” before his vision goes totally black.</p><p>***</p><p>Neil knows Abby and Wymack will be furious when they notice he’s gone in the morning, but he isn’t able to stay there, feeling like he’s suffocating. What happened tonight keeps replaying in his mind vividly, enough so that even at 3 in the morning he can’t stay in bed. </p><p>He walks silently to the door, observing the bandages all around his arms and hands. There is also a telling pull on his face that says she puts some there too. To anyone else, he must look like a mummy. </p><p>His phone is still turned off, no battery left, and the only thought he’s able to have right now is that he needs to charge it to message Andrew. For once, he’s grateful that his place is close enough to Abby’s one. He doesn’t have to walk more than 30 minutes before the familiar building appears as he turns one corner. </p><p>Neil is awfully out of breath for a regular runner, but he’s weak and in pain. He should have taken painkillers before leaving. His feet bring him to his door without himself registering the way up the stairs, and it’s only when he reaches it that he remembers the keys he left on the ground back at the parking lot.</p><p>He’s so stupid, he thinks bitterly as he lets his forehead hit the door in astonishment. Neil should have remembered, but his mind isn’t all clear after what happened, and he kicks his door in annoyance. In answer, he doesn’t expect to hear noise behind it and the lock turning. He hurries backward, ready to escape the intruder in his apartment, when someone he would recognize anywhere stands in the entrance. </p><p>Andrew stares at him as if he’s seeing a ghost, and Neil thinks he might be. The keys he left on the ground were a clear goodbye, and Andrew’s presence in his apartment means that he took it as such. </p><p>“Andrew.” Neil’s voice sounds like sandpaper, a reminder of how much he screamed.  </p><p>The singer reaches for him with an hesitant hand and brings him inside. The carefulness in the way he does it speaks for itself, as if Andrew is afraid Neil will disappear between his fingers. They walk to Neil’s bed and Andrew makes him settle down there. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Neil never meant to make Andrew feel like this. It’s the most emotions he’s ever seen on his blank face. </p><p>The words are probably not the right ones because Andrew pulls his arm back, hand in a fist, as if he’s going to punch Neil for it. The latter doesn’t move, letting the other man deal with his inside turmoil. Finally, Andrew’s fingers relax and he brings his arm down.</p><p>“Say it again and I’ll kill you,” he says through clenched teeth, and Neil believes him. Andrew reaches for the bandages on his cheeks, discarding the one hiding the now stitched up cuts. However, when he removes the one hiding the burn—pain radiating through Neil’s cheek—he freezes, a new tension in his shoulders.</p><p>“Where are they?” The tone is murderous in a way Neil has never heard him use, it makes his hair stand on end, but it also soothes him. Andrew’s got him. It might be the dumbest and most dangerous thing he’s ever thought or felt, but he knows it to be true. Neil can relax.</p><p>“Dead, my uncle’s men got them. Old associates of my father, one of them, she didn’t take well that he died while I lived.” His own tone wavers as he remembers Lola’s body in the car, the way her eyes were still open, blood dripping down her chin. It’s satisfaction that he feels, before it’s replaced by sudden fear. “She loved knives too, taught me, and she used the dashboard lighter.”</p><p>His breathing must have picked up because Andrew places a warm hand at the back of his neck and presses him down until his forehead is against Andrew’s chest. “Stop it,” he orders as if it was simple, and yet it isn’t, at all. </p><p>Neil needs a minute to calm down and keeps his face against Andrew, feeling his presence and drinking from it as if it was the best source of water to exist. He could stay here, but instead Andrew drags his head back by the hair, no real force behind the gesture. </p><p>The hazel eyes Neil learned to love are searching and questioning, trying to find something. “You knew, didn’t you?” The accusation is deep, and Neil knows Andrew won’t take his lies and bullshit. "You were weird all day."</p><p>“There was a countdown,” Neil answers, knowing Andrew will need some time to trust him again on some stuff. It’s annoying, but he only has himself to blame. </p><p>The same rage goes through Andrew’s eyes for a second, before fading. “You’re a fucking idiot,” he says while getting the keys out of his back pocket to throw them against the wall. Neil doesn’t try to stop him. “I’m not interested in your goodbyes.”</p><p>“I know.” He doesn’t say sorry again, knowing Andrew would probably hit him for real this time. They stare at each other a while before the hard line of Andrew’s shoulders finally soften. “What did you tell the others?”</p><p>“Nothing, I left them to search for you after finding the keys and then I took your car and left.” Andrew’s tone is calmer now.</p><p>The answer makes Neil smile in a way he didn’t think he could now, his cheeks a flaming pain. This is so very Andrew, not caring what the others were thinking or if they were worrying. He does feel bad for Renee and Nicky, and there were good chances Renee told Allison, Matt and Dan. Neil hopes Wymack texted Renee, after all, he knew one of his old Foxes was at the game tonight.</p><p>“Stop smiling, idiot,” Andrew says, releasing him and stepping away, and he presents his hand to Neil. “Give me your most probably dead phone.” </p><p>Neil nods, but then remembers his bandages and winces when he tries to put his hand in his pocket again. It isn’t long before Andrew reaches to stop him and sighs. “You aren’t worth that much trouble.” He waits for a yes before he gets the phone himself and goes to plug it. </p><p>Finally settled and sitting on his bed, Neil feels how tired he is again. He closes his eyes for a second, opening them quickly after the image of a lighter too close to his face comes back to his mind. “At how much percent am I now?” </p><p>“115 %.” The answer is sharp, without any hesitation, and it reassures Neil. </p><p>“Great.” </p><p>He’s about to lie down when Andrew clicks his tongue. “Your clothes are a mess.” Without hesitation he reaches in the right drawers—his memory always impresses Neil—and picks up a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “Yes or no?”</p><p>Neil does stare for a second at the offer, but he nods, getting up from the bed so Andrew can help him change. He can’t remember anyone ever doing something like this for him, and it makes him feel weird. When they are done, Neil can barely stand and keep his eyes open.</p><p>Andrew pulls at the blankets of the bed so Neil can get under them and walks to the other side of the room to turn off the light. The darkness is soothing and at the same time scares him; he’s unable to see every corner of his room. The first signs of the morning are still faded outside. Then, the singer goes to make sure the door is locked and comes back to Neil. </p><p>“I’m sleeping on the couch.” Andrew raises his hand in front of Neil before he can protest. “You won’t sleep if I keep bumping in your injuries.” It’s clear that he won’t let Neil convince him, but Neil finds out he doesn’t need to when Andrew moves away and pushes the couch—his neighbors downstairs will kill him—beside the bed. They aren’t exactly at the same height, but to have Andrew close is enough.</p><p>Neil takes a deep breath before he closes his eyes, listening to Andrew’s breathing to fall asleep.</p><p>***</p><p>Something startles Neil awakes, and when he reaches for the gun under his pillow, the pain from his hand is blinding. A whine escapes his mouth as he brings back his arms against his chest, breathing hard. </p><p>In a second, the music—source of what brought him back to consciousness—stops and Andrew finds his way on the side of the bed, kneeling on the mattress. “It’s only my alarm, Neil.” </p><p>Neil raises his watery eyes to Andrew’s face, and if he’s sorry he doesn’t show it, but his voice is the softest Neil has heard him talk since they have known each other. He tries to force air in his lungs again, surprised to not find any blood on his bandages because it hurts so bad. “Rough night,” he jokes, and Andrew gives him a disgusted look before leaning forward to kiss him. </p><p>It’s exactly what Neil remembered when Lola called him; the soft press of Andrew’s warm lips against his, the way it both calmed him and pushed life into him. He almost chokes at the intensity of having it back when he thought he had lost it. Neil wants to grab Andrew and bring him down with him, but he knows better than to use his hands now. </p><p>The blond man pushes himself away after a minute, staring down at Neil. His eyes are tracing the contours of his face and neck, and Neil wonders what he’s seeing there, yet he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t protest when Andrew gets up to go to his drawers. “It’s noon, I have to work at 1:30.” He picks up some clothes for Neil and seems to get some for himself. “You’re coming with me.” Andrew arches an eyebrow in a silent challenge as he turns around, but Neil doesn’t pick it up. It’s not that dumb to think Andrew might not want to get him out of his sight for now. </p><p>Neil nods and finally sits down the best he can without actually using his butchered hands. Andrew disappears in the bathroom with the clothes, coming back empty handed. Neil gives him a strange look, he gets why Andrew would have brought his change there, but why his?</p><p>Then Andrew looks around in the kitchenette, coming back with plastic bags, tape and scissors. “Let’s get you washed. Okay?”</p><p>Neil is a bit stunned by what Andrew is doing, how readily he takes care of him. It’s stronger than him, Neil stares the other down for a tad too long and in retaliation fingers press against his jaw to make him look away. “I need to stop looking at you like that?” he guesses, a tiny smile blossoming on his lips. "Okay," he adds in consent.</p><p>“I hate every part of you,” is the answer Andrew gives him as he starts taping his arms.</p><p>***</p><p>“You’re kidding.” Neil can’t believe it. He’s standing in front of Andrew’s workplace, refusing to take another step near the main doors. “You don’t seriously work at Exites, right?” </p><p>“You never asked.” And with this shitty reply, Andrew walks away from him, entering the store. Neil quickly follows, feeling an old thrill at being in his favorite shop. </p><p>Still, what the actual fuck? “You said you hated Exy,” Neil reproaches, ignoring the looks he’s receiving from the customers. He must be quite a sight to take in.</p><p>“With all of my being,” Andrew answers with a bored glance at Neil.</p><p>The Exy fanatic shakes his head and takes a step forward to poke at the other’s chest. “You make no fucking sense.” It might just be a job, but you don’t usually go work in a store that exists exclusively to sell things for a sport you say you despise. </p><p>A girl behind the cash register raises her eyes to them and almost shouts, clear relief on her face. “Oh Andrew, please come here.” And then she turns back to her client, smiling. “The manager will see if he can help you with this peculiar situation.” </p><p>Neil turns his attention back to Andrew and huffs in amazement. “Manager? Oh, you’re so full of shit.” He can’t believe it.</p><p>Andrew turns around to go help the cashier and only glance back to order Neil. “Go watch people try the rackets, Josten.” </p><p>***</p><p>It’s been a few days since Neil got kidnapped, and he can’t do anything to hold back his friends from deciding to meet up. Renee has organised it with Andrew’s okay, so this is how they all end up at the dinner close to Neil’s place.</p><p>Looking around him and finding all of his friends in one place is weird. Nicky easily gets along with Matt, Dan and Allison, especially since Renee looked comfortable with him. The weirdest part of all is probably Aaron at the table, clearly wondering why the hell he’s here and Andrew ignoring everyone except for Neil and Renee. </p><p>The singer does get suspicious glances from Dan and Allison, but Neil meets them with what he hopes is a convincing smile, trying to keep the attention away from Andrew. He doesn’t get a thank you for it, but Neil can see how his fingers stop playing with his pack of cigarettes when Neil’s friends stop staring him down.</p><p>When their lunch is done, Dan gets Neil in a corner while the others are paying, fussing a bit over his injuries. “I thought it was done with your father’s death,” she tells him, clearly finding it painful to see Neil in such a condition. It’s still new to him, even after years, to realise people care for his well-being.</p><p>He shrugs. Running from his past is hard, especially since he’s decided to stop running. Maybe it was just a matter of time before it bit him back in the ass. “I’m—”</p><p>“Yes, Neil.” Dan laughs, but he sees the slight annoyance. “I know you’re fine.” She brings him in a careful hug and says lightly, “By the way, who is he? Your new guard dog?” </p><p>At this, Neil moves backward to look around and notices Andrew staring at them from afar. He looks intense like that, and it makes him wonder about their relationship once more. “I don’t know, but I like it,” is what he answers before he truly thinks about his words. It takes a second for heat to climb up his neck in embarrassment.</p><p>“Then I’m glad,” his best friend says truthfully. “But I wish something in your life didn’t look so dangerous.” Dan frowns at Andrew and releases Neil completely, before pointing a finger in his face. “Now, text me every day.”</p><p>“Yes, Dan.” And he thinks that maybe he’ll try.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <i>I saw you standing there, and I knew<br/>
I'm done for, it's over, I'm through<br/>
Playing games from the start<br/>
Sinking your nails in my heart</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You bring out the worst in me<br/>
You bring out the worst in me</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Looking back in my rear view<br/>
Nothing, no nothing can change you<br/>
I decided to play when I knew you were fire<br/>
It started off warm and now I hear the choir<br/>
Who do you think you are?<br/>
Leaving your keys in my car</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You bring out the worst in me<br/>
You bring out the worst in me</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You bring out the worst in me<br/>
You bring out the worst in me<br/>
You bring out the worst in me<br/>
You bring out the worst in me</i>
</p><p>Neil knows he must be smiling when Andrew stops singing the lyrics he just wrote, the two of them on the roof and enjoying some ice cream. He lets his legs stretch out, finding their way on Andrew’s thighs. “So you knew right from the start?” he mentions, teasing.</p><p>Andrew stares at the legs on his own and frowns, rolling his eyes. “Not everything is about you, Neil.” Lazily, he picks up the slightly ripped sheet of paper and his lighter. Neil doesn’t need to wait to know what Andrew is about to do and he launches himself at the sheet containing the lyrics before they catch fire, pulling it out of Andrew’s grasp without meeting much resistance.</p><p>Neil shakes his head but laughs, their faces close now with his rescue attempt.<br/>
“That’s dramatic even for you, Andrew.” </p><p>Andrew looks down at his lips and back up at his eyes in a fraction of a second. “Yes or no?”</p><p>“Yes. It’s always yes with you.” It’s enough for the singer to start pushing Neil on the chest and on his back, in a much slower manner than they are both used to since Neil’s injuries are still fresh. </p><p>“116 %,” Andrew mumbles against Neil’s lips, the latter laughing in the kiss.</p><p>Home is really a nice place to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello again! If anything felt familiar, it's because I picked some part of the book to make it feel more accurate. I have to admit I swore not to write any andreil when I finished the books because of how much I loved their dynamic, but I ended up not resisting well oops. So hopefully I managed to portray them well!</p><p>Thank you so much for reading, I have new stuff coming up soon :)</p><p>Oh and also, do not forget that a kudos and a comment, even a small one can me the world to writers!</p><p>(it was supposed to be 10k not 23k. wtf.)</p><p>Ps: btw, english isn't my first language, so if some stuff doesn't sound idiomatic, that's why. </p><p>Tumblr: lav-ende<br/>Twitter: lav_ende</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you thought? Next chapter will be up this week!</p><p>Tumblr: lav-ende</p></blockquote></div></div>
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